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Baked To Perfection!

Do you like cakes? I love them!

Do you like perfection? I appreciate it!

I also love gazing at ornamental cakes, almost as much as eating them!

So I was just going through images of cakes online, for some reason, was sitting & naming them & I thought why not share them with other cake enthusiasts! (Please don’t judge me, you can’t be meaningful all the time!)

So here are a few Cakes I found online that, in my opinion, have been BAKED TO PERFECTION!

cake
The Porcelain Donut
cake11
Chocolate Wood
cake12
Tasty Tiara
cake2
Double Trouble
cake3
Fantastic Four
cake4
Hansel & Gretel
cake5
Santa’s Gift
cake6
Floral Delight
cake7
Mauve Tower
cake8
Zebra Crossing
cake9
Blooming Dale
cake10
Crystal Boon
cake104
Black Beauty
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My Shining Ray Of Hope

I wish to wake up now

It’s been really long

I must break free of this chain of thoughts

an ambiguous dream gone wrong

I can swim no longer in this deluge

Can no one hear my silent cries?

There’s no land in sight where I may seek refuge

I’m drowning, no matter how hard I try

My cries for help fall on deaf ears

I wonder why my own have forsaken me

The splashing waters wash away my tears

I search within for the faith in me

What stays afloat is my spirit strong

& the distant light I see

It’s a tiny ray of hope and frankly

my only reason to be

What if the light is just an illusion?

An oasis in the desert for the lost being

If only I could touch it once

I’d know that it’s something real I’m seeing

The need to join the light is strong

I seek the faith in me

I cannot hold this up for long

I must break free

I pull all of my being together

To make this final dive

I just need the light to keep shining bright

& I know I will survive

 

10 Tips For ‘Ooops’ Free E-Mails

On an average day, skimming through e-mails is likely to take up to 28% of your time at work. Just the sheer volume of e-mails we have to go through & respond to each day, makes it a daunting enough task, let alone trying to make it as professional & error free as possible. And no matter how hard you try, there’s a chance of an ‘oops’ moment occurring every now & then. This can cause unnecessary stress , miscommunication, awkwardness & wasted time at work hence it becomes important to observe some golden tips on how to keep your professional communication stress & error free.

Here are 10 ways to ensure a hassle free work e-mail routine –

A clear subject line.

Chances are, your recipient’s inbox is just as clogged as yours, so the clearer your subject line, the more likely are the chances of your e-mail being read. For example, if you’re sending a quotation to someone, be crisp & clear and write, “Blue Whistle Quotation Attached.”

Save A signature.

Every email should include a signature that tells the recipient who you are and how to contact you. Set it up to automatically appear at the end of each email. Include all of your contact details so the recipient doesn’t have to look up your address, email or phone number.

Use a professional salutation.

Using “Hey,” “Yo,” or “Wassup” isn’t professional, no matter how well you know the recipient. Use “Hi” or “Hello” instead. To be more formal, use “Dear ( name).” Using the person’s name in the salutation — “Hi Samuel” — is  appropriate, but remember not to shorten a person’s name unless you’re given permission to do so.

Avoid humor.

Humor does not translate well via text. Because humor is generally communicated through tone, expression & body language, what you think is funny has a good chance of being misinterpreted by the other party, or taken as sarcasm, without the said aspects. Therefore, it’s best to leave humor out of business communications.

Always proofread your message.

Having grammatical errors, spelling mistakes & incorrect usage of words littered around your e-mail can cause judgement & you may ultimately be perceived, sloppy or even unprofessional. To avoid this, always check spelling, grammar and the message before hitting “send.”

Avoid the Chain Mail fiasco

Create your message as a stand-alone note, even if it is in response to a chain of emails. This means no “one-liners.” Include the subject and any references to previous emails, research or conversations. It can be frustrating and time consuming to look back at the chain to brush up on the context. Your recipient may have hundreds of emails coming in each day and likely won’t remember the chain of events leading up to your email.

Respond to all emails.

Give a timely and polite reply to each legitimate email addressed to you. Even if you do not have an answer at the moment, take a second to write a response letting the sender know you received their email. Inform the sender if their email was sent to the wrong recipient, too.

 

Avoid ‘spur of the moment’ emotional responses

Never send an angry email, or give a quick, flip response. Give your message some thoughtful consideration before sending it. If you feel angry, avoid writing a response right away. Collect your thoughts in order to jot down points that bring the focus back to things that matter or practical points you would like to highlight in response.

Keep private material confidential.

It is far too easy to share emails, even inadvertently. If you have to share highly personal or confidential information, do so in person or over the phone. Ask permission before posting sensitive material either in the body of the email or in an attachment.

 

Avoid overuse of Capitalization & Exclamation points.

Exclamation points and other indications of excitement such as emoticons, abbreviations like LOL, and all CAPITALS do not translate well in business communications. Leave them off unless you know the recipient extremely well. It’s also not professional to use a string of exclamation points!!!!!

It may take some practice to keep your emails professional and to the point, but you will look more professional and organized in the long run.

My Lonely Spirit

There was a bad stench in the wind,

my nostrils flared

the fellow passenger

seemed to care                                 

“what’s wrong?” asked he

“that smell, can’t you see?”

“what smell, i have never felt a more pleasant breeze

my nose twitched, I got pissed

“stop fucking around, I can’t breathe”

calmly he said, “I aren’t kidding buddy, maybe it’s within”

“within what?”

he looked into my eyes

and stared into my soul

he picked his belongings & ran away

he ran away,

while I stood there

I shouted, “buddy! please wait”

I heard his distant voice, “apologies mate, but I need to flee”

but why, I couldn’t figure out

At times, during lonely nights

a thought prances in my head

was that stench real or was it inside me?

I don’t have an answer,                                               

things have been hazy since I’ve been dead…

Why India Does NOT Need Feminism

 

Image may contain: 2 people

This is a ‘viral’ image, doing the rounds of the Indian social media scene for quite some time now. An educated, ’empowered’, female actor telling us what issues our ‘women’ face today & how feminism is the answer to them all.

Here’s the problem with it though…
FEMINISM is NOT the answer to any of these issues and I’ll tell you why….

India does NOT need feminism because —

Feminism assumes that only women are raped. It doesn’t take into account that men can be raped at all! Or that rape is an equally prevalent lurking danger on little boys and adult men as it is on little girls and adult women. Feminism also assumes that women cannot be perpetrators and that it’s OK for women to not be charged as harshly for the same crime as a man.

India doesn’t need feminism because it doesn’t count homemaking a respectable enough job to even count as ‘work’ when it really is a full time job. A shocking statement emerged from the Indian Supreme court lately according to which, s wife cannot be a ‘parasite’ on her husband’s earnings! This, of course, garnered a strong support from feminists overlooking the implication it holds. Traditional roles were meant to compliment each other and not be parasitic! It was the perfect balance of yin & yang, if you will which created a sense of harmony within the family & the community. Also, they failed to highlight the fact that the supreme court had meant this for cases involving alimony and made it sound like a blanket statement for all women! While I am not against women in the workforce, I do feel that more comfortable in the natural assigned roles for the genders. It’s a personal opinion, and I do not mean to try and change it to legislation but I do NOT appreciate the extreme counter view being endorsed by the country’s most supreme judiciary either! Or being portrayed as such, in this case!

Feminism also belittles the role of mothers in the lives of young children. Also, it strives to achieve equality with men only in offices and blue collared work places. Ever seen a feminist demanding the right to being a coal miner or gutter cleaner??? No equality needed there huh? Also,it doesn’t take into account the fact,that for more menial tasks men are preferred over women and for a lot of jobs in offices like that of a secretary or receptionist, women are automatically preferred to men and feminism doesn’t count that as discrimination!

India does NOT need feminism, because it cannot solve the issue of ABORTION because it is a.STAUNCH supporter of the practice!
Women’s right to choose has led to more killed babies worldwide than sex selection EVER will and notice also,how feminism assumes that only female babies are aborted!
In the west certain extreme lobbyists are pushing for the right to legalize all abortions NO MATTER WHAT which means abortion at any time during the pregnancy right up to the 9th month and even after because a woman’s body is her domain but the little entity inside her, which she is supposed to protect and nurture, is ‘ not a person ‘ and ‘ just a lump of flesh or cell’s! That’s a feminist’s definition of a human baby, not mine!

India doesn’t need feminism because it fails to account for all the little boys and girls , who are pushed into hard work at an age that they should be studying and building a future. It somehow makes that also a gender issue.

Not everything is a gender issue. We need a humanitarian approach, egalitarian if you must, but the moment you say ‘feminism’, you’re automatically excluding half the population from the very word describing your political movement. While the issues mentioned in the placard Kalki is holding are very real, feminism, I’m afraid, is not the answer.

Is YOUR Phone RAPE FREE?

The question is perplexing…the answer is shocking.
When we purchase gadgets like Ipads, note2’s or any other such phones or devices …do we stop to wonder WHY ARE THEY SO EXPENSIVE? Is it the technology alone that causes the price to jack off the roof tops? What are they made of?
Where does the raw material come from?
The answer lies in the blood mineral conflict…
Blood minerals refer to minerals mined in rebel-held territory or war zones and sold to finance an insurgency, invading army’s war efforts or warlord’s activity. Since 1998, four minerals mined in the Democratic Republic of the Congo (DRC) have been financing insurgency and wars that have thus far claimed over 5.4 million lives.!!!
The four minerals are Tin, Tantalum, Tungsten (the 3Ts) and Gold.
The electronics industry is the major end-user of these metals. They are used in mobile phones, laptops, iPods, game counsels and a wide range of other electronic equipment. World prices for each of these metals have been rising over the last few years, giving armed groups in eastern Congo all the more incentive to target or keep hold of the mines.
What is the link between the minerals and rape?
Running a rebel group is a costly business. In DRC, armed groups rely on Congo’s easily appropriable and highly valuable natural resources to finance their insurgencies, which the rich world has a capacious appetite for. Hence, mines or mineral trade routes (where they can extort money from miners) are key targets for the armed groups. Rape is cheaper and much more effective than guns or bullets. If armed groups were to raid a village and force the population to leave by shooting at them, NGOs could be alerted and the UN would have to react. However if they lay siege to or raid a village and then rape as many as they can, regardless of how loud the women scream or cry, its less likely that NGOs could hear them and therefore less likely that the UN would intervene.!


Watch this unwatchable video to get a glimpse of life in Congo, except imagine your own family for a second as that’s what the director has attempted to do.


Would you still flaunt your gizmos proudly???

 

It’s A Long Way To The Top If You Wanna’ Rock & Roll!

 

It’s a long way to the top if you wanna Rock&Roll!

 

What the fuck is wrong with you people? I am asking this assuming, some of you might know.

Don’t you have something better to do?

 

How about television? Common, don’t be shy. It is your favorite pastime.

Not today.

Did no one make plans with you? Go to some movie or a little shopping, a little clubbing maybe. No?

That bad. Hmmm.

You can play some games, they are pretty involving. You can listen to those stupid tracks saved in your phone, you call it music. Check your FB, maybe post a selfie on INSTA. These things matter.

Isn’t that right?

You can always color your hair. Try that new shampoo you bought after seeing that commercial. Groom yourself a little. Get those yellow stained teeth cleaned. You not going to look any younger or any better. But try.

You can always sleep. I am an insomniac since the age of 14: The day I first saw a pair of titties. A 40-year-old milf neighbor showed me the doors to heaven. You call it child sex abuse. At my time, it was called fun.  Haven’t had any sleep since that day. But you love sleeping. Don’t you?

If you are hell bent on reading this, I must warn you. Nothing would change. You would read this, appreciate, get enlightened. And then the very next evening, you would go and buy something more entertaining. Who reads books? You do not get laid by reading books. Be honest.

They call me Goat-boy. I am a musician. No, no!

They call me Goat-boy. I am an artist. Oh, shit, no!

My name is Goat-boy. I am a recovering sex addict. Fuck this shit!

Okay, so my name is Goat-boy. I am diagnosed with chronic Insomnia. I am also a recovering sex addict. I play guitar. Shit man!

My name is Jack. I am an artist. Maybe. Maybe not.

But I like calling myself one. I create music, at least try to. I am not too good at what I do but seeing the current logistics, who is? Is Trump a good president?

You only need to be good to do great things: To make money, mediocrity does the trick. Look at you, you make money and good is a very distant expression for you. You are shitty and clumsy but still, you make good money. Don’t you?

I never wanted to be a musician but an interesting mix of life events landed me the trade.

 I won’t admit that it was easy but yes it wasn’t so tough either. My doctor asked me to channelize my sexual energy into something more meaningful than watching porn and wanking. He suggested me to try writing, painting, dancing… I thought a lot. None of these people get laid, a lot.

Writers, they are fucking sex starved delusional.

Painters, they are fucking sex starved crazies.

Dancers, they got no energy left to fuck.

Rock stars, You know the glamour. You would get laid, why won’t you? You are a Rock- star!

So I thought to try my hands on creating some original rock music. Apart from playing music, I also enjoy burning shit.

“Burn It To The Ground”

I was listening to the Radio. Nickelback was playing. Music always pleases me. It makes the voices in my head go away. You should also listen to music. But just wanted to advise you that, “Char bottle Vodka, Kaam uska roz ka” (Four bottles of Rum, Bitch drinks every day…. Please show me how she pukes and shits d pain away.) is not music. These lyrics are not thoughtful. If you listen to this kind of music, I am sure your God would save you. The same God whose idols you purchase for $50 at your nearest place of religious communion – A shopping mall!

I focused on the lyrics.

Well it’s midnight, damn right, we’re wound up too tight
I’ve got a fist full of whiskey, the bottle just bit me
Oh
That shit makes me bat shit crazy
We’ve got no fear, no doubt, all in balls out

We’re going off tonight
To kick out every light
Take anything we want
Drink everything in sight
We’re going till the world stops turning
While we burn it to the ground tonight

Suddenly doctor “UD” came. So, our doctor, an unattractive male in his 40’s, never got married. He got laid the first time when he was 28 years old and got his first job. That too because the nurse had a bad breakup and wanted a rebound. A decent doctor worked for her.

Now, he always had an issue with nervous ticks.

For the STUPID: Nervous ticks, are involuntary muscle movements caused by stress and anxiety.

Doc: Goat-boy, You know why you here?

Me: Yes sir.

Doc: Then you also know that if you do not stop lighting fire to financial institutions, they would send you to a prison. They are only acting patient with you because of your fan following.

Me: No problem. I would light the prison on fire. Lighting fire is my passion. I like it.

Doc: No. It’s a medical condition. You are a delusional and an Arsonist. You need medical attention.

Me: Okay Sir. As you say. But did you ever think why I only burn Financial institutions?

UD: Tell me!

Me: Financial institutions make money. Money is historically an emergent market phenomenon establishing a commodity money, but nearly all contemporary money systems are based on fiat money.[4] Fiat money, like any check or note of debt, is without use value as a physical commodity. It derives its value by being declared by a government to be legal tender; that is, it must be accepted as a form of payment within the boundaries of the country, for “all debts, public and private”. (For the stupid – Money is just a piece of paper and it has no value because it has no great saying or quote written over it. It’s abso-fuckin-lutely of no value.)

UD: Got it. Now make sure you buy your prescription from the shop outside. And also book the next week’s visit by paying $250 advance. Get well soon, Goatboy. We love you! 😊

Alice In Blunder-Land

I am Alice, Nice to meet you

I’d hug you & greet you

would you please be kind enough

to show me around your world?”

 

“Greetings of the day O’ Miss!

a hug for free? why not a kiss?

I am the random romeo on the street

with only my hands do I greet

If you don’t mind a little touch & feel

I’d love to show you my world!”

 

“Get Back! you filthy little creep

the longer I stay, the lower you steep

I’ve never known such audacious speech

I forbid you to further say a word,

I’d find my way around this world!”

 

“I am Alice, Nice to meet you

I’d hug you & greet you

would you please be kind enough

to show me around your world?”

 

“Make way, Miss! I have a cab to catch,

is it my wallet you’re looking to snatch?

Don’t bother with your sweet routine

I am the Corporate Ice Queen

I have no time for even family or friends

& here you are, thinking I have time to lend

and show you the world?”

 

“Oh My! you really are cold

I am shaken by your manner bold

your words hurt. your tone stings

you’re a venomous bee without wings

I’d like to flee away from you now

I’d find my way around this world!”

 

“I am Alice, Nice to meet you

I’d hug you & greet you

would you please be kind enough

to show me around your world?”

 

“What would I do with greetings alone?

I am an ‘artist’, to a price I am prone

My time , my art, my words are all for sale

I can show around but a charge shall entail

show me the gold

before I show you my world!”

 

“An artist you said?

Did I hear that right?

your art must be suffering a demeaned plight

your instinct must not be subject to a price

you can only be an artist if you freely entice

Your trading of art is rather twisted & twirled

I’d find my way around this world!”

 

“I am Alice, Nice to meet you

I’d hug you & greet you

would you please be kind enough

to show me around your world?”

 

“I a homeless man, I beg on these streets

these people you ask, are poorer than me

they have no alms or time to spare

they’re selfish & rotten, & don’t seem to care

with one arm they give, with the other they take

that, to them is charity, their ideals are fake

I’ve been watching you waste your time with these freaks,

greed is what each of them seeks

one is greedy for flesh, the other stingy with time

they won’t spend a second with you, till you spare a dime

Halt your journey here my child

you don’t need to see more of this world!”

Let’s get naked and run through the Jungle!

Let’s get naked and run through the Jungle!

 

A thought just came to my mind. A minute ago. Let’s get naked and run through the Jungle. I know what you are thinking, “Aa gaya pagla phir se.” (Here comes the crazy again.) But then in my defense, I have all the facts with me. Please hear me out for two minutes. I won’t rob you off your wealth. Corporations and religions are for that purpose. I just need two minutes, please. And also, “Insanity is just a state of mind like sanity. Who knows who’s what? I certainly don’t (#mostdef)”

My question to you is, “Why not?” We are clothed and civilized because we are supposedly social beings. But are we? I don’t see many social things being done around. I just see few people making money and others buying the goods made and sold by them. Then I also see Television, (fuck Television – the kind you watch. I watch RT.com), which has a propaganda content airing 24/7*365. Everywhere they teach you how to buy things and how to make money to buy em. No one teaches you to achieve freedom and not to willingly submit to slavery. A wise man said –

Don’t let the ones that want to steal your dreams 
They’ll steal your dreams away 
Just laugh and let it go 

So you’ve tried to pass along your doubt 
Oh you need somebody’s ears to hear you shout 
All your wasted and days and twisted ways are up 
So now it’s time to see the cards you dealt 

Don’t let the ones that want to steal your dreams 
They’ll steal your dreams away 
Just laugh and let it go 

A wise one said. Not me. I am the crazy one. So, the point being made is, “What’s the point of a consumerist society?” Why fight for it’s thriving? Let it perish and rot away in oblivion. Let’s just orchestrate a Phoenix event. (In the historical record, the Phoenix could symbolize renewal in general as well as the sun, time, the Empiremetempsychosisconsecrationresurrection, life in the heavenly ParadiseChristMaryvirginity, the exceptional man, and certain aspects of Christian life”.[3]). We no longer need to buy things. All of us who want things to change and pave way for a better tomorrow, Let’s just sell our possessions. Buy a ton of books. Buy a backpack. Burn our identifications. Become no one. Because “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.”

“Let’s be a part of the great Rainbow Family. Let’s get naked and run through the Jungle!”

Follow me at – https://www.facebook.com/nishantnishit

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Are you a chimp?

Are you a chimp?

 

Darwin told you, a long time ago that you were a chimp! You agreed, Didn’t you? But he made a small error. Yes, I said it. Loud and clear that Darwin made a mistake. Great men make mistakes too. That’s why Rome fell.

Darwin said you were a chimp. No motherfucker! You still are. Yes, you evolved physically but then that’s about it. You did not read books. You thought it’s too much of work. Let’s just look good and dress well, design an economy which resembles musical chair. Someone would always lose. It’s a musical chair. Those are the rules. And then you decided to fuck nature up and you enjoying, having fun. Just like chimps do. Break twigs, shit, puke, fuck, steal, at times hunt too. That’s your whole fucking story.

So, you still are a chimp! You were a chimp and you are a chimp.

I know some of you are laughing right now thinking I am joking but no I am not. I am damn serious. I am as serious as you were when you decided to nuke Hiroshima to make a point. A very small point. That you were a better chimp. Not so long ago you also decided to eliminate a breed of fellow individuals. One of the alpha male of your esteemed chimp community, ‘Sir great chimp – Hitler’, decided to kill Jews. You just stood there in shock and awe and I don’t know what as I wasn’t born then.

In my time another chimp, ‘Sir Donald fucking Trump chimp’ is doing the same. He wishes to kill every Muslim brother. That’s how chimps do it.

Now some of you are thinking what is my propaganda behind writing this. Am I a Muslim? Am I a naturalist? Do I have a PhD? How am I so confidently stating the but obvious truth. Well, for your chimp brain let’s just assume that I am Charlie Marvin, seventh great-grandson of Charles Darwin. And I also talk to the universe, because I am a human being, not a chimp! Unlike you.

So, please pay a very close attention to what I am saying. You are a fucking chimp! Okay! And you accidentally got the gift of language. You are not supposed to know the language. Because you use it to spread hate. You do not use it to spread love or peace. You should only communicate in sign language. Because you are a chimp and chimps are not supposed to talk.

And then came the shittiest moment in human history. You chimps got access to Inter fuck it Net. Holy Fuck! What’s gonna happen now? Every fucking chimp got smart devices. LMAO! LOL! Killing fucking language. (Smiley Emoji).  Because you don’t understand language. You are not supposed to talk.

And all of you who are thinking right now that you are a human being. Well, you are wrong too. You are also a chimp! Because you don’t understand, ‘Where there is will, there is a way’.  You don’t understand,”Honesty is the best policy“. You don’t understand,”Time and tide wait for none“. You don’t understand,”Find something you love and let it kill you”. You don’t understand,”Go all the way or don’t even start”. You don’t understand,”You are a piece of shit”. I don’t know why am I wasting my time talking to you. You won’t understand.”You are a chimp!“.

Please don’t buy a book. Go buy an I-Phone.

Charles Marvin seventh great-grandson of Charles Darwin.

Artist ¦Naturalist

Lover, Leave Me Alone!

Lover, please leave me alone

Lover, please leave me alone

Let me die with my sightless eyes

Let me die with my punctured lungs

Let me die with my crushed hopes, dreams and my broken bones

You don’t wanna nourish me

You just wanna judge

Pretentious, ignorant female

I would never budge

I am, I was, I will be

Cause I am time

I am wealth

I am stars, the sun, the moon…Saturn too

Your thoughts can’t leap

They like Snails

They sweep, all the dirt

all the earth, since birth

You are destined to crawl and die

Everyone gets by, everyone gets by

Lover, please leave me alone

Lover, please leave me alone

MS Excel – How The Ubiquitous Spreadsheet Can Make You Stand Out

MS Excel needs absolutely no introduction in the business world. The moment you hear the term “Microsoft Excel,” you may instantly think of number-crunching careers like accounting or finance but making the error of ruling out other verticals where you could potentially make the most of your Microsoft Excel training could leave you without that extra edge over competitors in your line of work. Whether you are formatting cells, protecting pertinent information, or integrating Excel with other software, you may find many uses for Excel as an imperative data keeping tool that all businesses rely on for recording, reporting as well as calculating purposes.

Firstly, it’s important to understand why MS Excel has become so widespread & valuable in the world of business. Excel is a spreadsheet program that enables users to organize large amounts of data, and even perform functions like calculations, graphing, and creating pivot tables, among many other features. In a nutshell, Microsoft Excel makes it much easier to interpret numbers and information.  You may even need solid Excel skills for studying in degrees, such as for an accounting degree.

Going for a Microsoft Excel Training is a must & here are some compelling reasons to take the plunge:

It makes you more employable.

A Microsoft Excel training before job hunting, could give you a leg up on other candidates who aren’t familiar with it. Many businesses and organizations seek candidates with strong organizational and analytical skills – and if you know Microsoft Excel, employers may see you as a valuable asset who can perform tasks efficiently.

It adds value to your resume.

Recruiters are always on the lookout for hot keywords.  If they see “Microsoft Excel training” listed on your resume, they may be more likely to show interest in your profile.

You can organize and interpret information more easily.

Excel isn’t just a huge grid with endless rows and columns.  It’s a tool that allows you to sort and filter lists, track numbers, create formulas, perform calculations, develop graphs and charts, and much, much more.

So what kind of professionals can benefit from an Excel Training? 

While corporations & businesses make the top of the list, it would be an error to assume that these are the only verticals that may benefit from learning Excel. When you think about people who use Microsoft Excel on a day-to-day basis, you may be interested to learn about these other jobs that could benefit from Excel:

Teacher

Since teachers may become bogged down by lesson plans and administrative duties, using Microsoft Excel training could enable them to streamline time spent on organizing grades as well as creating teaching aids like student birthday charts, interactive maps, seating charts, summer reading lists, and more.

Journalist

Whether it’s keeping track of  statistics in sports journalism or analyzing campaign finance data  in political journalism, Microsoft Excel benefits extend to journalists who are juggling large amounts of information and trying to keep their facts straight.

Photographer

If you are a photographer who wants to know how many leads translate into actual shoots, you could learn how to use Microsoft Excel to create a spreadsheet that provides summaries about failed leads, referral sources, and booking rates.

Freelance Writer

As a freelance writer, you may want to keep a writing log in Excel that could help you monitor more and less productive areas of your day. Maybe you need a place to brainstorm ideas and come up with new topics and titles—an Excel worksheet could be just the place. A published articles Excel log is useful when you want to keep track of any guest postings or articles that have been published on third-party websites.

 

Are you ready to learn the basics of Excel or take your skills to the next level?  Luckily, Excel courses are typically divided into three levels – Beginner, Intermediate, and Advanced – so there’s a course that may appeal to you and your career development needs.

 

The Monster Within

There’s a dark monster inside me

but mostly it’s away

locked in rusty shackles

but every now & then

a link in the broken chain gives way

to shattered hopes, broken dreams and an empty soul

Light was never bright

It never shined upon the Quixote of a knight

It’s all black within

black tar dripping every now & then

the darkness is within you too

& it’s within your loved ones

it’s within your mothers & within your son

your fake smiles can’t hide it

my tears & cries can’t hide it

smoked lungs can’t hide it

trembling tongues can’t hide it

mine’s at least away at times

yours is always out

with no leash dragging on the ground

nothing to stop it from taking the crown

It’s gonna’ rule your world & mine

’cause you adore it, I don’t

I want it to die

you need it to shine

I ain’t fucked up

It’s just an awfully tough time

 

 

 

 

Video – The View

It is very unlikely that we, the general population, will ever be able to voyage into outer space & see the wonders of the universe the way future space travelers will.
 For us, the next best experience would be a long night flight. However, from the inside of an aircraft cabin you will not see much & more often than not, most passengers sleep.
 The pilots in the flight deck are lucky as they get to see the night sky like no one else does. If one could create a time lapse video from the cockpit during a long night flight, it would be simply amazing , almost surreal.
 A Boeing 777 pilot did just that! On a flight from Zurich to Sao Paolo in South America, this creative Senior First Officer created an amazing time lapse video as his plane flew over three continents. Keeping him company is the Milky Way, millions of stars & meteors of the Perseid Meteor shower!
During the flight he switches on the landing lights to greet pilots of other flights as they shoot by over head.
The accompanying music is perfect.
The pilot shot the sequences using a Sony A7S camera which has very high ISO ratings. He also used a fast f 1.4 lens.To shoot a time lapse like this from the cockpit of a plane travelling at nearly the speed of sound is simply indescribable.
WATCH & get ready to be mesmerized!

Lover Friend

What is LOVE?

I don’t know

& neither do you

dear friend

So please, don’t pretend

Love isn’t that feeling in the lower abdomen

I know because it feels the same

when I see my sister after a long span

If this is love, then God save me

as I must be insane

What is LOVE

I don’t know

& neither do you

dear friend

So please, don’t pretend

Love isn’t that feeling of possession

when I see my muse’s eyes

love isn’t when I close the door

& the only noises are moans & cries

Don’t get confused between

love, need, want & the rest

When yesterday I looked into your eyes,

I saw something divine

I don’t wanna’ be with you

I don’t wanna make you mine

Hell! I don’t even wanna’ spend time

I just need the reassurance

that you would let me be around

’cause the world’s an ugly place

they won’t understand me

I don’t know what love is

but the universe says I am gonna’ find

I don’t need anyone

I don’t want anything to be mine

But please, smile at my poor jokes

your lips twitch

and I become sublime

I am sure this is LOVE

But I don’t wanna’ make you mine.

 – Nik

Thanks Goddess Kim!

I was lonely

I desperately wanted someone

I was horny

I desperately wanted someone

 

I prayed & prayed & prayed

Goddess Kim appeared

& said

“Why so sad?

go, have fun.”

 

I told her, I am lonely

I’ve got no one

Goddess Kim said, “I am the selfie Queen,

I would bring filters to your life,

red, blue & green!”

 

She shared her worldly wisdom

And now I am a celebrity

See what I have become!

 

The Goddess said,

“People of the world are stupid,

Because dead is poor little cupid

Now, love is found online

No need for flowers, dinner or wine

 

Send ‘Friend Requests’ to everyone

10% would accept, let go of the rest

Like & Like & Like

every one’s posts

Leave comments for them

not real ones, but ‘those’

 

The more you like

the more they see you

the more you comment

their narcissism would torment

 

In a state of vain, they ideally should complain

But that’s where the virtual genie comes

They won’t so much as twitch or get the scam

They would LOL, LMAO, TTYL instead

& become your fan.

 

‘Cause people are obsessed with ‘image’

& you know no shame

Thanks Goddess Kim for this wisdom

I shall not let down your name!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Lame Game Life!

I’ve been crushing some serious candies

I’m busy on virtual streets,

I grow veggies in my fake farm

I’m even friends with gaming freaks!

I have alienated my friends

by sending them game requests,

I’ve no clue why they won’t oblige me

& just help me in my quests.

You see, it’s a matter quite serious

my avatar is in constant need

My fish would die if not fed in time

my crops would turn to weed.

My journey would suddenly come to a halt

if you don’t send three tickets

And if I don’t buy golden coins

the enemy would kill my picket

Who would rescue my pets from danger?

If you don’t send me bonus lives

How would I run my restaurant?

If you don’t help me buy the forks & knives

What would I do with the city I built

If you don’t stop by once in a while

How am I to deal with the birds I anger

If you don’t help me fling them a mile

Instead of judging us poor gaming souls

come join this crazy ride

just quit the army of online trolls

& pick the whimsical side

We’ve got cops & thieves , detectives & chiefs

entrepreneurs, gem carvers & tour guides

All we lack is a life that’s real

But that’s alright,

we’re not missing much

Our lame game life would suffice.

They’ve Got Talent – Encourage Thy Young

” Encourage your children because you have no idea what they are truly capable of.”

Every parent or older relative is always (or always should be!) looking for ways to encourage young talent in the family. I say family first, because that’s where it all starts doesn’t it? Being an aunt & a mother with a blog helps! So here I am, proudly showcasing sketches by my nephew, Saksham Masih, Age 16 & my son Vihaan Edwin Singh, Age 8. 

 

Old Vices In A New Age Packaging

I know I’m going to offend a few people but since this was never a popularity contest for me, I’m NOT going to mince words.
Let’s begin by acknowledging the simple fact that we are knee – deep in the slimy swamp of consumerism.  We’re interested today in making money and spending it. The ‘mantra’ is simple, ‘Earn money, ’cause if you don’t you’re a loser & then buy stuff you can do without! That’s it. No longer do young parents talk to their children about morals or values.. It’s all about good scores, bigger schools,better degrees,good career choices, all of which lead to but one thing, MONEY.
Money is our value system and all our decisions are largely based on making it or spending it. This is a result of certain calculated socio – political movements, of course.. Movements like feminism for example. What started as something noble like women’s suffrage and employment has now been hijacked by feminists demanding supremacy under the guise of equality which has led to higher divorce rates,confused gender roles,broken families, a moolah oriented social system, degradation of moral values, overt sexual projection of men and women through media etc.
But what bothers me the most is, the fact that this is not something that’s simply happening to a few people, it’s something that’s being sold to us each day, every day. We’re being conditioned to accept this as the new way of life and are constantly being taught that the aftermaths are just aberrations. No they’re not. The aftermath is the only result possible. Period. The west has fallen prey to this in a full fledged manner for instance,LGBT alliances were recently legalized in the USA. All 50 states. We saw the world celebrating.
Now, I am not against individuals making choices for themselves. I firmly believe that it’s nobody’s business what two consenting adults wish to indulge in behind closed doors. What I do not appreciate is being told that this is ‘normal’ & that there’s something wrong with me if I personally do not accept this concept. I detest overt display of something that is supposed to be private, smeared across each wall I turn to, each channel I switch to, each book I read, every where I see.
And, call me a bigot,a hater,inhuman, insane whatever but I genuinely DO NOT BELIEVE that people can be BORN gay!  Sorry, but not really!  Most homosexuals confess to having relations with BOTH men and women so it absolutely is a choice of lifestyle rather something innate. Also, some even confess to being physically abused as children, or report that they were exposed to such kind of sexual orientation & activity at an early age & this was the only correct choice presented to them in some cases.
How is this  ‘genetic wiring’?
Some go as far as to claim that every 1 out 10 individuals is naturally gay! Really?
The numbers alone don’t add up!
We just don’t have enough closets to hide such a huge LGBT community and with most out of the proverbial closet anyway, that claim has to be debunked
There is NO actual scientific data that supports the fact that people are naturally gay.
Also, this is something that’s been rubbed into our conscious from a long time as acceptable.
What bothers me though is,where do we draw the line?
There’s a news clipping that shows 13 schools in Seattle, are offering 11 year old girls IUDs WITHOUT parental consent!  Children are being taught about incest and lesbianism in schools. And the parents CANNOT opt out.
You see the point of the feminist movement, was for the state to be able to tax the entire population as opposed to the prior 50% in the workforce and to render children without a caring guardian so that they turn to the state for any kind of guidance. That’s why the Rockefeller foundation funded it in the first place. And they’re achieving their end in America and we like idiots are following suit.
Take for instance the Cambridge conference report, that states pedophilia is normal among males
The day is not away, when people would already be comfortable with this perverted mindset, and accept it into their lives, legal systems and societies.
Remember, all evil in the world today happens in the name of love, unity, equality and peace. And it’s not a new phenomena too. We’re being served an old dish in a new platter.So be vigilant and understand why something is happening before praising or condemning it by what it seems on the outside before we’re left left in a state of spiritual starvation.

Waiting In Love

“Why do you have to pull this ‘friend’ bullshit?

Why can’t you let your heart bleed

Walk up to her & tell her

that you’ve got the hots for her”

advised Nik.

“Dude! She’s Jasmine,

I’m an Aladin at heart too

But I got no magic carpet

I got no Abu

No fuckin’ genie works for me!”

“When she looks into the mirror

it tells her

YOU, YOU, It’s You whose the prettiest

When I do,

it cracks & yells,

“Go away you’re ugly as hell”

“But you’ve got other skills,

Your words not only hurt, 

at times they kill.

What about your sensitive heart 

which beats for even a selfish retard?

No one cares about packaging,

if such are the goods within”

I laughed & laughed till I cried

Nik, what century are you in?

You’ve stopped your therapy,

I request you to begin.

The world we live in

has no place for love.

It’s just nice clothes,

good looks, fancy cars,

& a hefty bank account

Did I miss Real Estate? Yeah! That too!

I got your point, Goatie!

But what makes you so sure?

that she’s one of those?

Did she ask for diamonds or just a yellow Rose?

Nik has a valid point

I don’t know for sure

what she wants.

Maybe, she’s the ‘other’ kind

but my mind disagrees.

“Let your heart ask her

whether she needs a hug or she wants to flee”

Hey Miss! I wanna’ be around you

What say thee, what say thee?

Let me know & it doesn’t need to be straight

any way, for you I’m always gonna’ wait.

The wind would stop, the rivers would dry

hell might rise, but hey Miss Wise,

some day, just, say

Me – I love you

You – Likewise…

A Flood Of Tears

A flood’s gonna’ come

not to wash away all that is

but to drown YOU

for what you’ve done

 

I can hear it

& I know you can’t

you’re focus is

on the sound of silver

 

You built some dams

you killed a few beavers

you suffocated some birds

you burnt a few jungles

 

I know you’re greedy

I know you’re needy

I know what your story is

You’ve risen from ashes

& are now basking in the false sense of permanence

 

Every time the wind blows

Every breath I take in

I am determined

to not let you kill me

in the name of religion

in the name of civilization

 

I won’t let you destroy me

for false dreams of a better tomorrow

I won’t let you laugh

while she cries away

 

A flood’s gonna’ come

slowly, but surely

Hear her sobs, Mother Nature is dying

So I know that a flood’s gonna’ come

I just ‘know’, I can see

 

I’d see you drowning

but don’t worry about me

‘Cause I would be safe

on top of a mountain

And I see the water is already beginning to rise

It isn’t too far away

A flood’s gonna’ come

Your end 

HAS BEGUN.

A Word About Child ‘Gender Identity’ – The Child Is Fine, You’re Confused.

I was reading the newspaper sometime back and came across an article about a 16 year old boy’s struggle with gender identity ‘confusion’ and how he initially thought he was gay and how he finally embraced the fact that he’s actually a girl , and how he’s going to have a sex change operation after his class 12 exams. His family & peers are supportive and his NRI mother bought him his first dress even and thinks he has pretty legs!
The story, of course, doesn’t end here. The mother goes on to narrate how she felt he might be gay initially as he always insisted on playing with dolls and wigs and even though he was ‘encouraged’ to play with tanks and guns, he never conformed! Also, by the time he was 12 years old, he was already going in for counseling sessions as he felt he was gay and wanted help with this ‘confusion’.

Now I’ve seen 12 year olds and I’ve been a 12 year old myself. I’m sure everyone has. When I think of my childhood, I remember having a little chapter dedicated to intercourse in my science textbook and that’s about it as far as my generation’s exposure to sexual knowledge went. As a child that young, I recall being curious, but since there were so many things around to keep us distracted, like sports, debates,books,and.meaningful time spent with the family where we.learnt some values,that there was hardly any space for sexual craziness.
Also,there was nothing much on TV that depicted overt sexual imagery or homosexuality as even a concept, there was no burden on most children from my generation, to come to terms with or identify with.
What’s also interesting is,the fact that I recall not being a very stereotypical ‘girly girly’ myself in fact, I played basketball, baseball, loved wrestling and hated cooking!
But back then, this was not defined as ANYTHING really, just kids being kids and doing what they wanted without a care in the world. There was no burden of gender identity or any definitions at all.
As matter of fact ,every child goes through a phase of confusion where he or she is unable to decide what they want to become. Back then,it was about choosing a career, nowadays it’s about choosing a sexual orientation and a gender!
So what’s changed?
Nothing much, I’d say. Children are still children, but it’s the parents and culture that’s changed.
The mother in this story states, that when he discarded the guns he was ‘encouraged to play with ” she was afraid that he might be gay!!!
Wow!
THAT is very telling.
The mother,the school,the counselors managed to play havoc with this child’s absolutely NORMAL phase of exploration and led him to believe that he’s confused. What kind of a parent sends her 12 year old for counselling because her son likes to play with dolls and what kind of counselors end up convincing the child that he’s actually a boy trapped in a woman’s body? This is borderline child abuse if you ask me!

Also, where is the FATHER in all of this? I can’t help but notice the absence of a ‘father figure’ in the child’s life. Did he even get to give masculinity a chance? And I refuse to count ‘offering him guns & toy tanks’ as a fair introduction to his true, natural , masculine instinct. 
Of course,children are struggling with a lot today as their lives are full of violent and sexual imagery thrown at them through pop culture and movies and then there’s this huge LGBTQ movement to reckon with, that’s creating a turmoil in their tender minds. At an age when the knowledge of heterosexuality can be shocking enough for the child, imagine a daily dose of homosexuality, transgender-ism, androgyny, gender fluidity etc thrown at them!
No wonder they’re turning out like this.
In the end I’d like to say just one thing

“God is not the author of confusion but of peace “

Unintentional Yogi

Ran away, from my place

To find solace

Ran away from the concrete jungle

into the hills

standing tall

 

I hate city sheep

no more greed, 

no more need,

to mingle

I no longer hum their jingle

 

Built a hut

with broken twigs

a shaky roof

no mattress beneath

Isn’t peace what every soul seeks?

 

My Insta handle did say

‘FARMER AT PEACE’

never really knew what it meant

till the time I lay

in the hay

me & my friend, ‘Caterpillar’

ate leaves,

smoked leaves

& knew no fear

 

One morning,

I woke to find ‘Caterpillar’ gone

he had turned into a butterfly

he left my lonely self crying

Oh My! Oh My!

 

I took a stroll

to mend my broken soul

walked tall, walked tall

saw a bench

sat down

a few fair maiden came by

they thought I was in deep meditation

they bowed down

I had no clue,

what that meant

but heard them as they chanted

Oh! Enlightened one

Bless upon us

luck, love & a little fun

 

By virtue of spontaneity

I lifted my hand & touched their foreheads

they smiled in happiness

as they left, 

the sound of silence was divine

the Universe was wrapped around me

&

Everything was mine,

Everything was mine.

 

A Happy Mothers Day To The ‘Other’ Kind Of Mother

Happy Mother’s Day Mom,

From your ugly looking, least favourite son…

 

I always wondered why they need a day for mothers,

Mothers are divine, all of humanity does succumb.

But I guess today I figured this shit,

What kind of mothers deserve this gig…

 

It’s for YOU Mom, It’s for YOU..

When I stole a penny at 8, I just wanted an ice-cream stick,

I think you could have just made me understand,

You didn’t have to practise JIHAD and burn me…

 

When I was raped at 10, You blamed it on me

It was my fault, I could have ran away… I understand…

But MOM you knew I had a broken knee…

 

You made me feel shitty ‘cause I was not a pretty child,

Your brothers didn’t shower me with love and were unkind.

I remember your older brother threw me on the floor..

Just ‘cause I had farted.. But I was 12..

Kids fart… I wasn’t 24.

 

When I started earning, It was never enough

Everyone wanted a house, a car and a lifestyle

What about me?

You didn’t even let me buy a book about Van Fucking Gough..

You hated my girlfriends… I didn’t complain,

You hurled abuses, you hurt them

But couldn’t you see , I was in PAIN

 

I filled your account with whatever little I could make,

And now That I needed a little help

I was shocked to see your take

I just took a plastic card

You got ill ‘cause you thought

Your son ran away with your life’s worth !

 

Now I can’t love any other woman,

‘Cause I loved you deeply…

Every woman I’ve been with,

Looked like you

Isn’t that something, even Freud dint see..

 

Anyway, I guess this is the end

I wish you luck and Oh yes!

Happy Mother’s day…

 

Happy Mother’s day Mom…

From your ugly looking, least favourite son.

 

The Broken Radio Mother’s Day Contest !

Day Happy Mother’s Day!

Here are 18 of our favorite Mother’s Day quotes!

And if you’re here for the contest, here’s what you need to do! Just select one of the following quotes & attach a picture / collage of you & your mother & send it to isha.vierge@gmail.com & we would write a poem dedicated to your Mom , feature your photograph & share it with the world!

Everyone is going to get a card or a gift for their mother. Here’s your chance to do something different ! Good Luck!

Moment Of Truth

I cannot recall each story I read,

each story I heard, during childhood

but I do recall that each implied

in the end,  bad succumbs to good.

 

I never questioned the truth of it,

until most recent years

as tales & fables gave way to the real

& disenchantment led to tears.

 

For if this was true,

then it made no sense

for my honest display

to fetch pretense

 

I cannot, for instance, for a second believe,

that my hope deserved a stab more than once

the first time I thought it was fate at play

on what do I blame the second chance?

 

Is it that I’m blind to my own faults?

I think it not to be the case,

for each night before I sleep,

I turn my own worst critic, for goodness sake!

 

I make amends, I fail again

I win myself over each day,

I realize I may have hurt a few,

but that’s a debt I most repay.

 

 

None of the fairy tales I heard,

had parts full of such despair

wherever I look, whatever I find

misery, heartache, resentment, are there.

 

It’s only now, that I realize

that what they taught was a thought mislead

it is never good that wins over bad,

let me replace that word, in every book I read.

 

For people are never good or bad,

they are either honest or they’re not,

for what prevails is not good, but the truth

that’s what life always taught.

 

The truth uncovers itself,

in manners most perverse

it hits you when you’re least prepared,

to make matters worse.

 

So I end the game of charades today,

as I gain a new meaning to life,

goodness is an illusion, it is truth that shall prevail

With that, I end my longest strife.

 

 

 

 

 

‘Advisors’ – A Pseudo Rap

I hate myself

I always have..I always will

But I hate you more

‘ Cause YOU just wanna’ make me your money churning whore.

 

‘Do this not that, censor your words’ ,  you say

And all I gotta’ say is ‘Nay nay nay’

 

I am a survivor, I won battles

I stood up with broken ribs,

I sew my own stitch

I take what I want… I ain’t the one who calls ‘DIBS’

But to you, that is my ego talking

‘Cause in reality,

I am just a billboard ,walking  & talking

Ain’t that true ?

Ain’t that true ?

I wanna’ get mum

Get me some of Capt. Jack Sparrow’s RUM

I had a compass..I dint need anyone

I was lost but I was not in pieces..

I was one..

Crush me more..Why have pity?

I need it for my art, said he.

Coming Of Age : South India, You Got This!

girls5

Yes. I am going to talk about something we generally don’t talk about. About half of humanity bears with a monthly visitor, fondly called by many names across the globe. Aunt Flo, ‘those days’ ‘that time’, ‘chums’ but nobody wants to say the word. Menstruation. Period. I can feel you cringe right now. But it’s okay. Ignorance does that to people. It goes on to make a normal bodily function a taboo subject. In fact, it would be safe to say, that most things ‘female’ are inherently regarded taboo. Like breastfeeding. People want you to breastfeed your child all the time. They are great advocates of it. But they won’t support you if you wish to feed your child it’s most natural form of lunch in public! Even if you’re covered. A sight of cleavage is more acceptable than a mother feeding her child. That’s how detached from nature we’ve become. All because we associate it all with SEX. But that’s silly because breastfeeding & menstruation have nothing to do with sex. But that’s another topic, another day, another blog. Promise!

girl4

For now, let’s stick with periods. Oh! Stop cringing. I know a lost cause when I see one & I am too realistic to think that there would come a day, when people would be comfortable with menstruation. For that you have to be in sync with nature & comfortable in your own skin. I honestly don’t believe I shall live to see the day, when a female employee feels comfortable approaching her male boss & telling him she needs to skip work because her period cramps are killing her. It’s going to remain the veiled ‘headache’, or ‘family emergency’ or  ‘girly problem’ at the most. I do not demand that we shouldn’t have to carry a pack of sanitary napkins in a black plastic from the chemist. I think a man would hide his pack of condoms too. But I do feel, that women should, at least, be comfortable sharing their discomfort with people they interact with on a daily basis. At least co-workers, family members, friends. I am not extending that to strangers at all because as a rule, we don’t talk about anything personal with strangers do we?

But while we continue to debate this, there is a culture, within India, that doesn’t debate menstruation. It celebrates it.

You read that right. I always felt South Indians are way cooler than Northies in many ways. (I am a North Indian, so back off & don’t even start with the political correctness.)

girls1.jpg

Yeah! They celebrate the coming of age of their girls. In fact, it’s a grand celebration in some cases, in others a private affair, but not a taboo, to say the very least. The entire ritual may take more than a fortnight. It starts with the first ever period the girl has. A ritual bath is prepared for her , followed by a period of isolation, during which she is given nutritious meals to nourish her body. This is believed to strengthen her body for future pregnancies too. Once the isolation period is over, there is a religious ceremony that takes place, wherein a priest blesses the girl & the family prays to the Gods. What ensues is a celebration in which family & friends are invited & the girl is gifted her very first Silk Saree & is adorned like a bride & showered with gifts!

When I had my first period, I was 13 years old, scared & locked inside a bathroom, ashamed to step out, fearing judgement & almost a tad bit guilty. My worst fear was facing my ‘girl’ friends the next day at school who I knew out of experience of watching other girls go through the ‘ordeal’ , would ridicule me & say ridiculous things like “Be careful now”! What the hell? As if the only thing standing between me & promiscuity (yeah! at 13) was my period! And this when my mother had already had a rather awkward conversation with me touching the subject only slightly because I wasn’t ‘there yet’. For most girls, not there yet means , haven’t had a period yet! Yes! We shall talk about it once you start bleeding. No need to prepare you before hand for something that’s eventually going to happen. NO MATTER WHAT!

And now that I compare my experience of a first menstrual cycle, with that of my South Indian counter parts, I end up asking myself “Why did we end up with the short end of the stick?”

I mean think about it. When I got my first period, I got people worried! When my south Indian friend did, she got people buying her gifts! Well, I have said it once I will say it again, South India, you are way cooler than us North Indians. You got this!

Spare My Voodoo Doll!

I slipped upon my tiled floor,

& almost broke my neck

spent all night preparing for it,

but still failed my test,

Whoever has my voodoo doll,

please just give it a rest!

 

My best friend hung up on me

for something that I said,

I’m quite sure I didn’t though,

my mind is a mess!

Whoever has my voodoo doll

please give it a rest!

 

My boss hates me infinity

I couldn’t have cared less,

but he took my name off the merit list,

no bonus now, I guess

Whoever has my voodoo doll

please give it a rest

 

My neighbor borrowed my car

some chick he must impress

banged the bumper, smashed the headlight

what buttons did he press?

Whoever has my voodoo doll,

please give it a rest

 

You’ve poked & prodded

shaken & bent

she’s taken a toll

it’s evident

enough of your entertainment

She cannot scream , she cannot vent

have you no heart, have you no soul?

put that needle back, you troll

I may not know, I cannot tell

but I’m sure there’s a wicked spell

that I can cast upon your deed

& make you come forth & plead

I am a decent human being

don’t wish to resort to satanic means

let’s end this game of occult chess

Please, give my voodoo doll a rest!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Illusion Of Time & The Certainty Of A Watch

Hey! Nik here! How have you been? I’m about to share with you something that happened 3 years ago on my birthday. To me, birthdays are just like any other day. I can never get my head around the concept of celebrating ’em. I honestly don’t understand what the fuss is all about. Things don’t change in your life because of some magical number on the calendar  or because you grew a year older. You grow through experience & everyday is an experience so in essence anytime you learn something new you ‘grow’. But that’s just me.

And then there’s is my sister who, by her own estimate & understanding, loves me deeply. There was a time i did too but you know things change, memories fade away, you meet new people and then you just stop caring about old things. Yeah, that sounds really awful but again that’s just me. Now my sister is very fond of birthdays, and doesn’t matter what part of the world she is in, she would always come and see me on my b’day.
And lady of interest at the time, was crazy about birthdays too. Almost as if a birthday was her last day on earth and she wanted to make the most of it.
Just like the birthdays, I never understood the concept of time. Time is just a state of mind. And the idea of wearing a watch is so horrible, i would do anything to avoid it. But i somehow developed this fixation on this fossil time piece. It seemed like  a unique piece of jewel and i so wanted to own it. I shared my feelings with her. She thought of it as a hint for a b’day gift. Finally arrives that day and i accompany her to a store to buy this watch.
I try and share my ideology with her regarding time and explain to her how time plays no role in our lives. Its just a notion in our head and in reality this entire universe wouldn’t be able to survive if time was for real. Its just another effective measure of mind control. We can only be free when we stop believing in time. She feigned interest in my monologue on time, nodded her head every now & them, and just asked one question.
“Do you want the watch or not?”

Well, there’s a difference in ‘want’ & ‘need’. If she would have asked if I ‘need’ the watch or not, I would have said a straight out no. But she asked whether I ‘wanted’ it… And we want all sorts of things we don’t really need. So I said yes! Besides, what’s the point of avoiding strapping something around your wrist that helps you perceive something that doesn’t exist?
We stepped into the store. I saw that knowing grin on the face of that conman, the sales guy! My soul was shouting slogans against consumerism and insanity. But nonetheless it was a beautiful watch. I took it. We celebrated my  b’day. And this was the only part where i get to have fun. Pure fun.
But for a very long time i felt uneasy. Whenever my arms moved, i could hear that watch and it started to drive me crazy. I already am quite dysfunctional & out there and if something starts to trigger within me, i just get fucking mad.
After the b’day enthusiast left, i stared at that watch for several minutes. It was in such rush, moving constantly, ticking, running, God knows where? And from what? It just ran and ran and ran in all fucking directions. I just couldn’t take it anymore and i said  ‘stop mother fucker’. Next thing i know, it was lying on the floor, a crack in the screen. I picked it up, it had stopped. And i felt an orgasmic relief.
I still thought it was pretty. It said fossil and looked exactly the same minus all the annoyance.
I was  happy. I called a cab and went to see my sister. I was really keen on meeting her.  It was late. I reached home, she was sitting there, waiting for me. She saw me and said ‘What time is it?’. I looked at my watch and i looked at her. She looked at my watch and she looked at me. She said, ‘Seems like you broke your watch. Don’t worry, lets cut the cake. I would get you a new one tomorrow.”

 

Until We Meet Again…

It was a room full of people,

But I felt all alone,

I stood there & stared in disbelief,

My only son was gone…

 

So many dreams you took with you,

so many hopes were shattered,

so many nights of mid-night hunger pangs

my house, once full of chatter.

 

You took with you my brightest smile,

my will to live,

my reason to die

Your vacant room lies undisturbed,

I do not have the strength to curb

the stinging pain i feel within,

when I see the lawn chair you’re not in.

 

You’re study room with your favorite reads

the wooden shelves,

the golden beads,

that you once collected to adorn a frame,

a family portrait,

gently engraved with the family name.

 

Your favorite ride,

now, covered in cloth

reminds me of the time,

when you & I both,

rode to the market ,

to buy your favorite shirt,

the color was a deep blue,

your wide grin was it’s real worth.

 

It’s not just me,

but my flowers too,

that miss the boy who came by once a week,

Now they stare in empty space,

they’re lonely & too sad to speak.

 

 

The kitchen , I must say

misses you the most

’cause that’s where you made,

your famous sourdough toast.

 

Going back to that dreadful day,

when lifeless,

in the living room you lay.

I stared at you,

my hands at the rim,

of that God forsaken coffin,

that held my sleeping son inside,

my life, my joy, my heart, my pride.

 

I question God ‘most everyday,

why was it you,

not I that lay.

But such is the work of fate my son,

it shakes the faith of everyone.

 

There’s lot’s to tell

& lot’s to share,

that I no longer can retain.

I must hold my peace,

it’s good bye for now,

until we meet again…

 

 

 

 

 

 

How To Find Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chashma Funny!

Find fun, when there is none!

Sounds great, doesn’t it? That’s the benefit of optimism! It’s also something I fall back on when I can’t fall asleep & it’s past midnight, my Wi-Fi isn’t working & I must make a choice between loneliness & T.V. So I chose T.V & I’m faced with yet another choice. Television Retail ‘Infomercials’ or some dumb program I wouldn’t admit to watching the next day! So I choose the latter & that’s how I end up in the company of the loud characters of ‘Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chashma’!

For starters, I begin with the exercise of translating the title into other languages I know.

‘Tarak Mehta’s upside down Spectacles!’ 

‘Tarak Mehta’s Lunettes à l’envers’

‘Tarak Mehta’s Occhiali da testa’

‘Tarak Mehta’s ਉਲਟਿਆ ਐਨਕਾਂ’

‘Tarak Mehta’s 颠倒的眼镜’

Exotic! And funny because I am so disinterested in the show, that I’d rather make a translation game out of it’s title than watch it! But I’m set to give it a try so…

Mission Impossible begins. The comic cues a.k.a loud sounds of laughing audiences in the  ‘sitcom’ help me identify the laughter joints where I am supposed to crack up. It’s all similar to the 5 am laughter club with their’ infectious laughter I get to hear in the park behind my apartment. But at the comic junctions of my television it’s seamless and involves less effort than those oldies in the park, I can vouch for that. You just need to practice once or twice and, believe me, it just flows…But you need to be consistent in watching…medicines also cure when taken regularly, remember the golden rule?

Have you ever been able to notice how loud the costumes , gestures and expressions are? Unbelievable! With their kind of get up, do they even need to act loud? Naah! They sometimes do try though!

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I am also always bowled over by the unique dialogues they deliver…mind blowing! I usually go “Never heard of that before” every 5 seconds of that show! That’s funny in itself. Makes you laugh. If not, try damn you! That’s what such dialogues are crafted for, we ought to respect that at the very least!

www.hdfinewallpapers.com

By now, Daya Bhabhi has probably retained that wide mouthed, stretched out, ogle eye expression for life! For this alone she deserves a salute.

If nothing else, just the sheer lameness of it all ought to make you laugh! I mean look at them! It’s so bad that it’s good! Get it?

You don’t? Oh! you’re just, just, heartless that’s all! Huh!

Religious Memes

Memes are a recent internet fad that make their way into any situation in life. In fact, a day on the internet cannot go by without a few thousand memes floating around, going about their business. Everyone likes memes, c’mmoooonnnnnn times infinity if you don’t! But like everything else in this world, memes are corruptible too. And what better way to corrupt something nice & dandy than bring religion into the picture? Huh? Huh?

I am not talking about the ones that ridicule religion in itself. I am referring to the phenomenon of ‘RELIGIOUS MEMES’! Yikes!

So without playing any more games, here’s proof of the matter. I present to you, the lamest Religious Memes on the internet that will blow you’re mind more than anything else you see today. And not in a good way.

 

  1. meme2
    I know dude! Painful AF!
    meme10
    Actually you’re right! It’s hot & that scarf has no business over my head. Thanks for pointing that out!
    meme11
    She’s as badass as her daddy allows her to be!
    meme12
    But what if that’s the only time I read it huh?
    meme12
    So! Copying & pasting Hadith not such a bad idea after all eh?
    meme13
    What the fuck am I supposed to make of that?
    meme14
    Oh grow a nut! Or is that haram too?
    meme15
    Too many pins near the head could result in brain damage! And you’re living proof!
    meme16
    Okay! This one’s not lame LMAO!
    meme4
    Yeah! You better check with feminists first, Jesus! ‘Cause anybody else defining consent will get them pissed off as hell!
    meme5
    And bust your brains open!
    meme6
    Too bad!
    meme7
    Yeah! And a cat has 9 lives too!
    meme8
    So, basically, you can’t pray for SOMETHING…unless you pray for EVERYTHING! I get that, totally!

    meme9
    Makes ‘Shiva is cool stoner’ meme on the internet…writes ‘Teetotaler, proudly in matrimonial column!

You Killed Cobain

A long time ago, Freud made the world understand that every child is the same. A blank  Copy. And then the society starts the imprinting procedure. Every moment, incident,event, occurrence…it all leaves an everlasting impression on the kid’s consciousness.

No one’s a born rapist, murderer, robber. Everyone is a bi-product of this damned society. You are only capable of doing things that you have experienced or witnessed.

Many see Cobain as a genius and some as an addict. Well, he was neither. He wasn’t a brilliant artist nor was he a rock fuck-up. He was you, me…maybe your best friend, your neighbor. He wasn’t special or extraordinary. He was the same nobody we all are, made out of organic compost. Like you, he was an all singing, all dancing crap of this world. But thanks to you and the pain you injected in his veins.. He became a Demi – Fucking-GOD. It’s been a long time since he abandoned this place. But he’s immortal.

Doesn’t he still inspire us? Don’t we talk about him and worship him. All of that is cool!

The question is, when would you guys stop. I mean someday you would. He thought so too. But you din’t. You were not just entertained with him wriggling away his life.. You weren’t happy seeing his soul melt away in darkness. You wanted to see the end….Yeah…And you had no fucking patience! You could’t wait for him to die. You had to hand him a shotgun and very cleverly made him pull the trigger… And termed it a suicide…You savages…

All he wanted to do was to be left alone. Don’t we all? We all want to be who we are and not what someone else wants us to be.What gave you the idea that you are right, in chasing money and commodities that never last, are never enough and term Cobain wrong for chasing ART which is invaluable. You just don’t get it.

You can’t put a value to ART cause you’re just not there yet.If I give a blacksmith a RUBY, what the fuck would he do?… Give me a sword in return…Won’t he? He has no fucking idea what a Ruby’s worth is.But if I get it to a queen, She’s gonna’ fuck my brains out. Won’t she? OK only if she’s horny. Let’s all be reasonable.

For Mr. Stupid : – What I am trying to say is, the world  doesn’t understand ART. It’s like teaching a toddler, unable to walk,  the very Law of  Physics.. and why stop there. Try Astronomy too. Artists are people who have been rejected by society. We are never understood ’cause we do not fit in the defined matrix of society. We understand ‘the scam’ and once that happens, there’s no going back. Why would you get conned, intentionally? I have a broken phone.. I, for instance,have been suggested by posers to get an I-phone. But why an I-Phone? Because, they tell you, ‘If you don’t have an I-Phone, you don’t have an I-Phone’! What???Are we really that naive, that dumb that it’s so easy to create a need among us for something we don’t really need all that much, by simply telling us we need it because we don’t have it? Gimme’ a break!

 

 

Coming back to Cobain.. Why the fuck din’t you leave him be. He just wanted to perform. He just wanted to create ART. You had to love him so much.. that you wanted  a piece of him every day.. You slowly chopped him and cooked him and ate him…You retarded cannibals…

 You wanted him to be the way, you think was right..Hello.. Are you crazy? Why am

I even asking? I know you are.. I am sure you are…

When I’m Gone – The Checklist

Nobody lives forever,

Someday we’re all going to die.

And I want to sign out with a bang,

I don’t want to be that guy.

That guy who has a herd of people,

lined up to pay last respects.

I want to be that guy,

who wakes up mid mourning, to conduct some last minute checks.

Don’t worry, you’ll have a checklist handy,

to ensure that all goes well.

‘Cause if you miss out for some reason,

I shall haunt you from the depths of Hell!

So here’s my final checklist,

before I digress, 

I must confess,

This happens often.

I might be sunshine & sprinkles one moment,

The next it could be my coffin.

First things first, I want a well lit room,

where I lay in my deepest slumber.

For in my heart I’m a sunshine junkie,

’bout that I make no blunder.

My dress should be that of a bride,

’cause in life , I never got to wear one.

I got married twice, but not a single wedding,

so I’ll go fix that crap in heaven.

Next, I want everyone dressed,

in the brightest, most beautiful attire.

I want a live band to play “O Happy Day”

Along a singing choir.

There should be food of the scrumptious kind,

& wine the choicest best.

It would be great if the guest list spells “near & dear’

I don’t care about the rest.

I guess what my heart is trying to say,

is do not mourn my going away…

Bid me farewell on a happy note,

that’s my final wish.

‘Cause all my life I’ve dealt with sullen faces,

my final day, I shouldn’t have to deal with this!

HA HA HA I caught you bad,

don’t worry that last was a joke,

On an honest note I don’t want you sad,

‘Cause when you’re sad, you’re an inconsolable bloke.

And this time I won’t be there to cheer you up,

For I would have breathed my last.

So I hand you this checklist I made,

to spread the happy spell I cast!

Happy B’day Love…

 

Hey AFFY…

A very Happy b’day to you Miss…

I got no flowers but plz accept my nimble kiss..

I wanna place it on your lips.. but I guess someone else must have taken care of that

I guess I’d go to the park & kiss the bench where you once sat…

 

I still remember that first day, I saw you in the training room

My eyes shone and my heart did bloom…

Well, the blood inside it did dry..

When I saw you fly..

In the sky , holding hands with whom you chose…

While I numbed the pain with overdose.

 

All these years, you remained friends.

I was happy with your charity hugs while I cleansed the dirt from your window panes..

I guess our love is divine., I like to think so..

That’s the only plausible explanation, why the universe kept away my toe.. from your inside hoe…

 

You remember the way my heart paced when we hugged,

You thought I needed medical attention my love..

Well that’s the magic you induce, That’s why you’re MY muse.

 

Today I am shit broke.. Can’t buy you a gift,

Hope this poem hits you with a loving fist.

Love you Princess.. Happy b’day..

Deluded Nik…

Earthly Divinity

Hey reader, good to see you, all geared up with your reading glasses, but i think it’s my moral responsibility to make you aware about the risks of reading this blog.
This is meant for the crazies, so if you are one, please continue but if you think you are a normal person then i just have two words for you and they both involve sex and travel..”FUCK OFF”. Normal is boring dude and it would be lot more healthy for you to quit reading at this moment.
You know, all these years you read ‘Ignorance is bliss’ , but you never actually made sense out of it. Right now, you are in a mental state in which you don’t actually have to think much, you have rules laid out for you, every decision  that you have to make you have a rule book , you could refer to.  But if you continue reading, you would realize how hollow you have been from within and all you have done so far is follow rules which are just projections of a delusional.
And all my crazy friends, who have been able to break the mental barrier and are truly inquisitive , i welcome you all.
It’s a fine morning. I came back to this four walled room, which has been my temporary resident for quite some time. When i was at work, few hours ago, i received a call from my neighbour and she sounded very fucked up. She is going through a bad break-up and was asking for weed, so that she doesn’t have to cry herself to sleep like every other day. Well, i would have loved to help her. We have become really close friends in the past few months. She is a single mother and is dating an ass-hole who doesn’t loves or respects her. She is broken most of the times and seems like am the only support system she has. But the worst part is i didn’t have any extra weed left with me.
I have weed but only limited quantity and all my stoner friends out there , you guys understand how important it is to make sure that you never run out and any which ways her reason for asking was not so justified. The one and only reason i advocate drugs is when you want to expand your mind. If you are a stuck-up and you pray each day, dude get high. If you are going to get married and you are expecting your wife to be a virgin, please get stoned. If you think you are special, it’s high time, please try LSD. But if you are fucked up emotionally, grow a pair of balls. No one likes a crying person. People sympathize with you for few days but in reality no one gives a fuck towards anybody’s else’s misery. You are alone, and the day you realize it, that’s when your life begins.

I went to see her, and listened to her, obviously not everything, She was playing Jim Morrison songs, even if i wanted to listen to her, i couldn’t. All i could focus on was, ‘Break on through the other side’.  But the best part is, her story doesn’t change much ever. So i somehow knew what she was talking about. She talked about her husband and how divorce is taking a toll on her and how this other guy mistreats her always and never respects and loves her. She also told that this jerk doesn’t even say i love you, when they make out. When i asked, why is she still hungover on him, if he doesn’t love her?, well she didn’t have  much to say. Tears rolled down her cheeks and she started crying. Trust me people, there is nothing more painful in life than seeing a woman cry. I tried to console her, but it didn’t help much. So i did what am good at, rolled a joint for her and she smoked it in peace. She was getting late for work, she hugged me and then came the most awesome moment. She freaked out saying that she didn’t get time to worship today and she quickly got on her knees, prayed to multiple gods for at least five minutes and then left for work.
I came to my room and i felt like committing genocide. How could someone be so stupid to worship idols. The one and only reason, the concept of religion was introduced, was to handle primitive brains. There was a time, when civilization was at it’s beginning and human brain was not evolved enough to make decisions. Humans didn’t have enough reasoning to distinguish between right and wrong.  People had basic questions, like why does it rain? Why is a ball of fire in sky and where the fuck does it go at night? There were no medicines, no science. Everyone was either a hunter or a gatherer. It was very difficult to control people whose minds were not developed fully to understand any phenomena. So someone with a superior mind came up with a brilliant idea to introduce religion. The entire concept of religion is based on making people fear. Fear is a great quality, it definitely helps you in taking relevant decisions but you cant be shit scared all the time. Something which was created to stop you from being crazy is now the only reason which is making this world go mad. People kill each other for religion, how stupid can someone be? There are countries which have been destroyed and the only reason is they have different religious beliefs. We need to understand that there are only two things which matter in universe, ART and Science and religion is neither of them. All religions are meant to control you and till the time we don’t free ourselves from the shackles of this evil, we can’t be free. So my friends, visit me next time, once you have disowned GOD cause he doesn’t exist and if you think i’m wrong, i would strongly suggest you, to start smoking up so that your brain realises the truth. Remember, subconscious knows whats true and what isn’t , just wake it up once and you might be able to unplug yourself from THE MATRIX.
For all others ‘If you do good to expect a divine reward then you not only need a psychiatric but also some prescribed drugs’. Get on it..

The Revenge – A Short Story

In an era long gone by, there once was a small village near the ancient river valley of Sadånīrå. It was a small dwelling of not more than fifty families & was a part of a larger territory called Kavaasa, whose ruler was the fierce & just, Agastya. The valley led a peaceful, prosperous life & followed a strict moral code which was to be observed by the dwellers. The Sadånīrå tribals, in particular, were extremely conscious of their pure bloodline. So much so that, in order to preserve it’s purity, they preferred marriage alliances within the valley. The chastity of the ‘bloodline’ was something to be honored more than life itself for the Sadånīrå tribals because they held a firm belief that there’s was the ‘blessed’ bloodline. They were sinless & therefore, were the only true inheritors of the blessed paradise in the afterlife.

The Meccha family in the tribe was no different as far as this belief was concerned. All except the older son of the Meccha family, Yedu. Yedu was about 21 years old when he saw a girl lying unconcious on the banks of the river. He quickly ran towards the girl, no older than 16 or 17 perhaps & began to try & revive her. He pressed upon her chest heavily, as water gushed out of her mouth, running at the side before sliding quickly down her neck, as she continued her silent struggle for survival. A sense of panic would overcome Yedu upon every failed attempt but he kept at it, sometimes holding her by her chin & gently but firmly slapping it side to side. And when she finally woke up, the joy of seeing her alive was so overwhelming that Yedu took her into his embrace & weeped tears of relief. The girl cried too, as she looked at him like he was her saviour in more ways than one. But she couldn’t express any of her feelings because she couldn’t speak. Tears were all she had to express the emotions she felt. Upon realising this, Yedu felt that it was an indication from the highest dweller of paradise, that he must take her home under his care.

But under the moral code of the land, no follower of Agastya could dwell with a woman he was not related to. The penalty for such an abomination was death.But he couldn’t marry her either, because of the strict rule of preserving the holy bloodline of his tribe. Yedu was faced with a dilemma but he knew what to do, in order to marry the woman he loved. “I shall pledge to never bring our marriage to fruition. We shall remain child less in order to preserve the purity of the tribal blood line. Please O’ Father, O Lord of our house, grant me this favor & I shall forever be indebted to you. Your wish shall be my command from here on till I breathe my last”. The tribesmen saw no threat to their sacred blood after Yedu made this heartfelt plea & gave him the permission to marry the woman he loved on the condition that they would not bring forth children into the world. Yedu fulfilled the promise he had made to himself of never letting her away from his embrace. They lived a peaceful, happy life until…

The younger brother in the Meccha family, Anu, was extremely temperamental. His first response to even the slightest of provocation was usually a sharp blow to the provocateur. The worst affected by his fists of fury, was his own wife, Mithna. Since this was considered a domestic matter, something between the husband & wife, nobody warned Anu or interfered in the slightest as it was considered unpleasing in the eyes of the highest dweller of paradise to do so. On one such violent bout, Anu lost his temperament yet again only this time, the blow to Mithna’s head was a final one. A pool of blood quickly formed around her as she lay lifeless on the mud flooring of their dwelling. The father learnt of this soon enough & so did the elders of the tribe. They all knew Agastya would soon be aware of this too. It was a killing that had taken place. That too of a woman. The mighty King would never stand to tolerate such an act of brutality & cowardice of a man, as to lay his fist upon his own wife & that too to end her life. Anu would be killed. The Meccha father was devastated as he wept inconsolably. “My older son cannot, by law, father progeny & my younger would now be killed. Is this the end of my family name? How shall I seek a place in the paradise above? How shall I face my ancestors?” The elders of the tribe came up with a solution.

“Hand the mute daughter in law to Agastya. Let him know that she killed her brother in law’s wife out of jealousy as she had children & the mute one wasn’t sanctioned to.”

Yedu was devastated upon hearing this. He decided to tell his father that he would never let this happen & would tell Agastya the truth. “You remember your words a day before I let you marry this mute girl? This whore whose bloodline is a mystery to even the Gods?” Yedu remembered all too well “grant me this favor & shall forever be indebted to you. Your wish shall be my command from here on till I breathe my last”. Yedu had lost.

That night, as he went into his room, Yedu bowed down in front of his wife & told her what had transpired as she listened with utmost shock & disbelief. Tears were all that she could muster. Her only response to this cruel twist of events. To feel a storm of emotions & to not be able to express them, leaves one in a state of devastation. A point of no return. She did not even know what was more painful. The words that refused to slip out , the tears that wouldn’t stop flowing or the disbelief of her savior leaving her to the wolves. She knew what was most painful. She was aware. And she couldn’t keep it to herself any longer. She gently took her husband’s hand & placed it on her belly. The look in her eyes was that of a child pleading for his life. Yedu’s child.

A storm of emotions overcame Yedu as he stared at her with a vacant, distant expression. Not only would he lose his beloved wife, but also his child. Both killed. Mercilessly. For something they had not done. But was he not even supposed to have that child in the first place? But now there he was. Undeniably there. Now that he was growing inside his mother, would Agastya still want to kill them both? Even if he didn’t, the tribesmen would. The bloodline was to be preserved at any cost. Yedu had to think. But his mind stopped working. In a fit of emotion & a fierce determination to save his child at any cost, Yedu picked up his sickle & charged towards his brother. It was a quick blow to the neck. Yedu’s father woke up from the commotion only to find his younger son lying dead on the floor & Yedu soaked in his brother’s blood. “What have you done?” their father screamed in agony as he moved quickly across the hall to the next room where Yedu’s wife was. With his child. “Die you whore, die why don’t you. I shall kill you and end my misery myself you wretched…”  he could not complete his sentence. Yedu had yanked him dead with the same sickle.

By this time, someone was knocking at the door. “It is the King’s guard at your doorstep. Open the door as justice awaits you”. Yedu opened the door. He was a dead man walking. The guard froze in his heels as he witnessed the scene in horror. Blood everywhere. A dead body in the hallway where Yedu stood with the door ajar, his scared, shivering wife at the door of their room and a lifeless hand lying in a pool of blood behind her. “Who did this?” demanded the guard. “I did” said Yedu. “Come with me, the King awaits”. Yedu was dragged away by Agastya’s guards. His justice was instant. One blow to the neck with the same sickle he used to murder his father & brother. But first, his skin was to be torn with 10 lashes. Just to give him enough time to say his last prayer, in pain, & repent his crime, his sin. “Were you responsible for mudering your sister in law too?” It didn’t matter now for Yedu was to be killed nonetheless. He had killed two of his family, his own blood. It made no difference if he took the blame for a third as well. He could only be killed once. Only be punished once. But in all this, he looked for his wife who he had saved. Who was carrying his child in her womb. At least he would be safe. He, the unborn, who was really his blood. Yedu couldn’t speak as his mouth was gagged but he looked at his wife with a pleading look. A look seeking forgiveness for what he earlier was about to let happen to her & the reassurance that she would take care of his child. His blood. And she looked back at him. Tears flowing down her cheeks. Then she slowly wiped them off as a grin began to spread across her lips. She stared at him with the expression of a wolf who had trapped it’s prey. A sinister smile that spelt it all to Yedu right before the final lash stinged his skin. Then it all struck him like lightning, but it was too late, the sickle had struck his neck too. She may not found a life within her, but she did find her revenge.

Facebook : What Could Go Wrong?

I am not a conspiracy theory nut job. But I feel like pretending to be one right now. So be cool & play along will you? Let’s relax, take a deep breath & imagine everything that could possibly go wrong in your life because of different Facebook functions. Just for fun!

Profile Picture/Cover Picture –

While most pictures are set to a private setting in most FB accounts, it’s highly likely that your profile or cover picture is still public. Which means anybody can download it or save it & morph it to feature you on one of those porn websites you secretly visit! Even if your pictures are private, including your profile picture, what’s to stop hackers from getting into your account anyway? I mean, it could happen right? I know FB will tell you it can’t. But even a 0.1% chance is still a chance of something happening.Think about it.

Check In –

You’re basically letting the world know each tiny detail about your whereabouts. The exact location & exact time of your destination. Under what other circumstances, than the carefully engineered ones created by Facebook, would you do that? Even if sending a message to 500 people was made as easy as posting a check in on Facebook, would you do it? This is especially risky if you’re a regular visitor to the place. A jilted lover would know your travel times & patterns. It could put your children under risk for abduction, especially if you check in to their school, play pens, extra classes like gym, dance etc a lot.

Tagging –

You do realize that tagging is actually face recognition? You don’t? Think you have control over it & by simply removing tags you can fool Facebook? Try this. Tag one of your friends in a picture & then try tagging them incorrectly after 10 months. Or a year. Or two years. Facebook will tell you that’s not Mary but Jane, each time. Creepy huh.

Customized News Feed –

The customization isn’t just limited to your friends’ posts or pages you like. That would be appropriate. It goes on to decide what you want to view, based on what you search for on google, what you viewed on ANY website that has the Facebook share icon on it, what you viewed on an e-commerce website or what you recently bought. It’s like someone is watching every move you make. You shall never starve for attention again!

The ‘Heritage’ poster –

That’s right. We will follow you not only to your grave but beyond. While you are alive & well, Facebook allows you to share every little detail about your life for all to see. But what’s amazing is, even after you die, your FB account must go on, so you can add a heritage buddy who can make posts on your behalf once you die. Rumor has it that they will be launching an application called ‘Ouija’ through which your heritage buddy can contact your soul to know EXACTLY where you checked in after death. After all, the world must know that you’re ‘Feeling sad’ once you’ve checked into Hell!

So that’s the top 5 super creepy Facebook functions I could think of. I’m sure if I think hard enough I will be able to add more to it’s creepy quotient. However, I think I have indulged in more scaremongering than my soul can allow for a day. Besides, a little birdie told me that Facebook can read your thoughts while you’re looking at the home page. It just asks you to ‘What’s on your mind’ because it wants to validate whether you’re telling it the truth! Dare not be dishonest with Facebook! Or God knows where you will be ‘checking in’ next!

Good Touch, Bad Touch : Explaining The Difference To Grandma In Heaven

Dear Grandma,

How are things up there? I am going to assume it’s heaven because I liked you, as a child. You were mostly good to me, though a bit strict & particular about things I didn’t fancy giving importance to back then. I remember how you would oil my hair every Sunday then let it rest in for about an hour, rub oil into my skin to make it softer than it was because it was never soft enough, never firm enough, never smooth enough. Then you would draw a bath for me & tell me stories while working up a lather in my hair. As if that ritual was not enough, you would then rub in dollops of moisturizer into my skin because, it was never soft enough…

You made sure that I was always well dressed. I had the neatest appearance as a child because you ensured that my dress was changed the minute there would be a stain or even a wrinkle.

You loved cooking my favorite meals. I recall how I loved minced mutton with a boiled egg in the center prepared in your own choice of spices. I relished the chocolate pudding you made me & you were a hit among my friends because you loved offering them food too! It was a good life. It really was.

They say that childhood is the golden phase of a person’s life.  Everything is larger than life when you’re a child. Every experience leaves a mark on you & makes you who you are in your adult life. A nostalgic trip down the lanes of childhood mostly bring back delightful recollections of fond moments spent with family. Mostly.

You must be wondering, why am I writing this letter to you? Especially now, that you would not be able to read it because you are no longer among us. But you see that’s the whole point. I feel your perception about people in this lifetime was extremely flawed. And if there is an after life, I don’t want you to misjudge people the way you did back here.

I remember all too well, the gatherings Grandpa was fond of hosting. He had his own circle of friends, acquaintances, admirers & followers, some genuine others, not quite. Of all his friends, most of whom I have forgotten, I do remember Mr…. let’s just call him Mr because I do not remember his name , what he looked like or any details about his appearance whatsoever because I was just about 6 years old when he did what I am about to tell you. I only recall ‘what he did‘. I also recall what it made me feel back then & what I feel about it now. It was one of Grandpa’s gatherings. I don’t recall many details , I was too young, my apologies. All I can think of now, is my powder pink dress, the one you had lovingly picked out for me, the way it flared above my knees each time I took a twirl & the laughter that ensued between you and Mama when I tried to show her the dress & my twirl & the flair it caused, over the phone as she was away somewhere with Papa for some time.  I recall the sheer joy I felt upon strutting around in my pink dress. Then I remember greeting the guests with a well taught ‘Good evening’ & then sliding away to sit quietly in the corner or running off toward the kitchen to see what ‘Victor’ , our cook was up to. Every time I entered the kitchen, Victor rewarded me with something scrumptious to eat. I liked Victor. He made me smile.

After one such trip to the kitchen, I was called upon to greet Mr. He was an old man. He was my grand father’s friend. A regular visitor in our household. He was somebody of absolutely no consequence to me. I greeted him & he petted me on my shoulder with a loud laugh. I ran away to the kitchen, where I knew Victor would be ready with a treat. The kitchen had an entrance from the drawing area & an exit toward the back that led into the kitchen garden. From the kitchen garden, I would sometimes sneak out towards the main entrance of the house to play hide & seek with the neighbor’s children, children of our household help, puppies. Basically whoever I could find. It was dark, as I made way into the kitchen garden & then ran outside to where the guest cars were parked. I had given Victor a warning that I would be running out to hide & that he was supposed to come look for me. I heard Victors voice fade away as he said he was busy & that I shouldn’t head out as it was dark. But when did I ever listen to Victor?

I found a little puppy I could play around with. I had played with him before & named him Fido. Because he liked to be fed a lot. I assumed he will come looking for me when I hid behind a car parked in the freeway. I noticed Mr not far away, with something in his hand that he brought to his lips on occasion only to take it away again. It was lit up & he breathed out smoke. I understand now that he was out for a smoke, something I hadn’t witnessed anybody in my house indulge in. I sat squatted on the ground, trying to hide from Fido. Mr casually looked in my direction & said “What are you up to?” while sporting an annoying grin. “I am hiding from Fido” . This was the end of the conversation as far as I was concerned, so I started looking behind my shoulder, trying to spot Fido somewhere. That’s when I felt his hand upon my thigh, quickly reaching beneath my pink dress. “Do you know what this is?” he asked while he touched me in a way that nobody ever had. I don’t know if it was the question that made me wiggle away or the touch of his hand. Whatever it was, it was the single most disgusting experience I had ever undergone. As I moved away from him, he got even closer but to my relief, I heard Victor. “Come back inside, you shouldn’t be out here. Can’t you see it’s dark? It’s not safe for little children”. Mr hastily withdrew his repulsive hand away from me & I ran towards Victor like I had never before. He picked me up & casually carried me back inside while I held on to him like he was dear life. Even inside the safety of my home, I held onto Victor tightly because I just couldn’t feel…safe…anymore. Much to your annoyance. You never liked Victor picking me up or holding my hand while bringing me back from the bus stop as I returned from school. You reprimanded him each time I held on to him, or pinched his trouser for a treat I couldn’t reach. “She is a child, but you must know better than to touch you master’s grand daughter inappropriately”! But with Victor, it was never that. His touch was unintentional. It was always I who had a purpose behind tugging at him. A treat. A sneak outside. A cover up job in the basement after I smeared it with poster colors. Quite unlike Mr. His touch was sinister. Repulsive. Lingering. Intentional. And he was back into the drawing room now. He headed straight toward me, picked me up without hesitation & said “What an adorable little sweetheart…I think  I am going to bite your cheeks!” Which he did as you laughed & looked on without the slightest of objection or hesitation. I shrieked in pain & disgust, both inside & out, as I struggled to let myself free of his grasp. The harder I tried to push him away, the harder the two of you laughed. I ask you this. Were you deaf? That you couldn’t hear my pain? Were you blind? That you couldn’t see my obvious discomfort? How could you be so insensitive? As you laughed away while I cried, struggling to break free. And yet, It was Victor who unnerved you. But that’s the thing. Victor NEVER made me feel so repulsed in my own skin. Mr was like a serpent lingering inside my gut. I just couldn’t get it. After he had his way with me, as much as he could in your presence, he finally let go. I ran towards my room. Shut the door behind me as hard as I could & I sobbed. I had never missed Mom so much. Ever. I felt she would have understood. She would have done something to stop that monster from gnawing at my flesh the way he did, right in front of your eyes.

I still feel violated, to tell you the truth. Not as much by the thought of Mr’s hands on me, but by the very fact, that he was able to get away with it, in your presence. You let him inside our house. You didn’t come looking for me. You didn’t save me. You let him violate me & humiliate me even more inside our home, where I thought the ordeal was supposed to be over. Victor was my only source of comfort. He looked out for me. He saved me. His embrace was reassuring. And yet you despised him, but absolutely adored Mr.

I understand now that it was the outer appearance that mattered to you most. Not what a person was made up of inside. Mr was rich. Of the same class as you. Wore fancy clothes. Spoke the way you did. Ate the same food. So he had to be good. For you, his was the good touch.

Victor on the other hand was poor. Your servant. From a lowly caste. Couldn’t afford the luxuries you could. Ate left overs. Spoke a broken language you couldn’t comprehend. He was bad. For you, His was the bad touch.

But that’s not how it really is, Grandma. You were wrong about this, all your life & I couldn’t tell you because you wouldn’t believe me. And it’s a shame too because, you have no idea your prejudice made your judgement so clouded, I often wonder what kind of people you surrounded yourself with. No wonder you cried alone at times. But that’s another story.

It’s not how someone appears, but who they are inside that matters. And that’s what makes their touch, good or bad.

That’s all for this letter. Will write to you if I feel you need to learn more about life from my experiences.

Much Love,

Your Grand Daughter.

Alpha Male

I met her, when I shouldn’t have.

Was still in the journey of finding self.

She charged like a hungry tigress.

Said, ‘Spank me hard, make me a mess.’

I was shocked, for me women are goddess.

My mother, sister and all others of the fairer sex.

But she wanted to be fucked with primal rawness.

Her Bio said, Feminist.

But she just wanted to be treated as SHIT!

After the shouts, screams and orgasms… I tried to cuddle.

But she pushed me hard and said not to expect a love bubble,

As she’s a feminist.

Shocked, I wandered. Few weeks later,

She said, ‘I am in love with someone better.’

He’s an Alpha Male and knows his thrusts.

Gives me love and slaps my breasts.

I said, ‘Miss Feminist, What’s this shit?

You want respect but you fuck with hate.’

She slapped, On my face, reality got mapped.

She went away, leaving me in disarray.

Nik said, ‘It’s okay. I need it for my ART!’

Indian Daily Soaps : Then & Now

It is a painful subject. But what needs to be addressed, needs to be addressed. This is the more awkward version of the dreaded ‘birds & bees’ talk that parents, up until a generation ago, had to have with their off spring. I mean, what can be more embarrassing than having to sit down with your 10 yr old & try & explain to him or her where babies come from. Right? Um, wrong. I would have ‘the talk’ with my child any day than having to explain to him what the hell is happening in the serial his family watches.

But there was a time when Indian television was far more evolved & the industry did churn out some of the most thought – provoking, sensitive & even controversial serials of the time. So, without further ado, allow me to share a list I prepared of some of the most popular television shows, then & now and what they represent.

  1. Shanti (1994)

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India’a first ever daily soap, with Mandira Bedi playing the lead, Shanti was the story of a young, confident, bold journalist who aspires to unravel the truth behind the friendship and enmity between two strong male characters in the serial & the challenges she faces in the process. Now compare that with…

Sasural Simar Ka – (2011 & Running)

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This is the story of a young girl who starts out as the ‘bahu’ (daughter in law) of a family her father chooses for her to marry into that switches from one bizarre twist to another in a matter of seconds. One episode, she’s a regular ‘bahu’ doing the dishes & minding everyone else’s business, the next, she is a fly on the wall! Some days the family dwelling is full of irate women talking to themselves planning to murder people, the next day it’s literally a house of horrors! Subtle…

2. Rajni – 1985

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This was the story of a middle class , married woman who was aware & very ahead of her times. She was fearless , strong & stood up against injustice when she saw it. The serial addressed many social issues like theft, child abuse, work place harassment etc with sensitivity & gave an important social message in each episode.

Sath Nibhana Sathiya –  2010 & Running

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This is the story of two cousins who get married into a joint family. The orphaned cousin is meek, seldom speaks & is always self-sacrificing while the other is manipulative bitch. The mothers in law, are two in number & play good cop bad cop. Then, the manipulative cousin dies & another one fills her shoes as the ‘badi bahu’ of the ‘khandaan’ . Meanwhile the husband loves the meek wife some days & shuns her on others. In one such mood swing he marries another woman, who is very ‘modern’ & then there’s a time leap. During this period the issues the collective household tackles are grave, such as a rat in the house, a laptop that’s been washed accidentally & a few murders. That’s about it.

3. Hum Log – 1984

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The first ever soap opera to be aired in the Indian sub-continent, Hum Log was the saga of  an Indian middle-class family and their daily struggles and aspirations. It was created on the lines of a Mexican television series, Ven Conmigo (1975), using the education-entertainment methodology.

Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata Hai – 2009 & Running

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The ongoing story of a girl who becomes a ‘bahu’ then faces some challenges adjusting in the new joint family. A few stern looks here, a few subtle hints there & the episode is generally wound up except for a few  accidents & financial losses. That, & the main leads die. And there’s a time leap. And there’s a daughter. And she’s getting married. And there are stern looks here, subtle hints there. And she misses her mommy who she feels could have helped her cope with the stern looks & the subtle hints. Sob. Sob.

4. Buniyad – 1986

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This iconic television series was based on the story of a patriot & freedom fighter, Haveli Ram, & his family and their ordeal during the partition of India & Pakistan in 1947.

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Diya Aur Bati Hum – 2011 & Running

Again, the story of a young ‘bahu’ in a joint family with a stern mother in law & a loving husband. The daughter in law is faced with the choice of having a baby because the MIL wants it or become a policewoman because she wants it. Of course she ends up doing both & tackling terrorists with a nuclear bomb who threaten to diffuse it in the presence of her MIL, who she saves , who then starts to love her & realize the importance of police service all at the same time. While all this is happening, the children are ready to be married & somehow the policewoman bahu mistakes a city in Pakistan to be a city in India & ends up selecting a ‘bahu’ for her son from the ‘enemy’ country! Oops! & Gasp! What follows is MS Power point effects of orgasmic proportions. And then they die. And there’s a time leap.

5. Surabhi – 1993

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‘Surabhi’ was a popular Indian cultural show that showcased the activities and life of women and families in an enterprising society. It dealt with their success and achievements.

Splitsvilla – 2008 & Running

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A popular ‘reality’ show, where you see men & women competing to retain fellow contestants as ‘dates’ & use profanity, manipulation & overt sexuality to do so. The show usually starts with an ‘audition’ round where contestants appear to make statements like ” I want to become something”, or ” I want to prove my critics wrong” & then end up proving quite the opposite. Especially disappointing are the women, who make claims like “I was abused & all my life I have wanted to teach my abuser to respect girls & I want to show him women are not just sexual objects” & then go on to objectify themselves.

The thing is, I can go on & on, but I think I have made my point. But I can’t rest my case till I make everyone realize that this garbage being fed to our families each day exists only because we let it.

There’s no supply without a demand for something. Cut the demand. Stop watching this nonsense. Low television rating points make production houses nervous. They would have to start respecting audiences & come up with better content only if we start respecting ourselves first.

‘Fuck Television. At least the kind you watch’

Starving For…

Starving for?

I gotta buy a little dope,

A little soap, wrapped in hope.

Hunger pangs, they got no fangs.

Can’t suck blood!

Gotta eat, gotta eat, gotta eat, gotta eat, gotta eat.

Rent Monster’s here,

Driving me into paranoia.

Pushing me into fear,

My thoughts unclear.

I wonder.. Why such despair?

Why did I quit a paying fucking corporate affair?

Thought a lot, did bend a knee, had an epiphany.

 

Nik said, ‘It was all to find love, Masked behind a fair idea.

Creating ART is a pretext,

Don’t you wanna’ have all those females,

Who made you feel messed?

Nik, you just wanna take ’em to bed.

 

I requested for a week’s time.

The monster’s fire did lose it’s shine.

 

I turned around, and on the ground,

There she was my favourite female!

She shouted, ‘ Write something you loser, Good for nothing poser.

Wannabe, wanna see more, Go create something pure.

It’s all in the name of ART.’

Nik wrote a poem and said,

‘ This is a fucking mask, All you really wanna do is pour your drink in her silver flask.’

 

She read the poem and dropped the curtains…

And my eyes shone, my eyes shone.

Nik left the room, I was with her all alone.

Can I please hug you angel? In the name of love!

Nik was still shouting from somewhere,

She’s gonna destroy you emotionally, but it’s cool..

Isn’t it all in the name of ART?

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