Have A Grand Wedding Without A Grand Hole In The Pocket!

Let’s face the fact that it’s going to be THE MOST EXPENSIVE EVENT in your life. Everyone dreams of having a grand wedding, but not everyone can afford the expenses it entails. Then there are others who wish to save up money spent in the actual wedding and invest it elsewhere, like buying things for the house, an extended vacation a.k.a honeymoon or simply donate the extra savings for a noble cause. Whatever the reason may be, if you ask me, it’s always sensible to spend wisely no matter what the occasion.

So here are some ways in which you can still have a great wedding without a huge dent in your pocket !

Skip The DJ!

Yup! You read that right! Skip the DJ but not necessarily the song and dance routine. I personally find the traditional ‘dholki & chamcha’ routine with folk songs sung impromptu by family members during ‘sangeet‘ or wedding celebrations, or the traditional live ‘dhol’ much more soulful, memorable & enjoyable however, to each his own, therefore, if you are the kind who prefers ‘bollywood’ or any other genre of songs for fun & dance, have a techno savvy cousin mix up a a bunch of CDs with your favorite tracks, get speakers on rent, (or if you own JBL speakers you’re sorted) and have a blast without a DJ blasting a hole in your wallet!

Recycle Your Mother’s/Father’s Wedding Attire!

You may be surprised to know, or maybe not, that wedding couture can be painfully expensive. And to make matters worse, you end up blowing your gold on something that you would probably NEVER wear in your entire life AGAIN! So if you’re one of those lucky people whose parents are sentimental about their wedding wardrobe and have kept it with TLC even after all these years (because it was damn expensive back then too and they only wore it ONCE), then your apparel issues are solved! Depending on whether it’s a saree, lehnga, sharara, gown (if you’re the bride) or a formal suit, a pathani suit or a dhoti (if you’re a bridegroom), all you have to do is get it dry cleaned and trimmed or extended to fit you. If you feel you don’t like the colors or the design is too old fashioned, try mixing and matching for e:g stick to the lehnga but team it up with a new dupatta or get the saree dyed to a different color or get a new designer blouse stitched! And not only for the D-Day, you can reuse your parents’ wedding trousseau for other celebrations as well! Problem cost effectively solved!

Limit The Number Of Invites

This is a tough one, I agree. In our country, a wedding is a time when people usually end up inviting hoards of guests who, like  almost everything else about the wedding, are a one time show! A way to ensure as less a number of sullen faces as possible (an impossible task really) is to have a quite gathering of very close relatives and friends for the actual wedding ceremony and throw a grand reception later. What happens in most scenarios is , we end up inviting a whole gamut of guests on almost every function or ceremony. That can and should be restricted too! For instance, men really have little or nothing to do during mehndi, haldi & sangeet functions at the girl’s side at least except for hang around in the courtyard or an extra room for drinks, so sending ‘Ladies Only’ invites for these functions only seems like a reasonable thing to do! The men can enjoy their drinks at the reception isn’t it?

Make A Schedule & Stick To It!

Indian weddings are infamous for never starting on time! If the time on the invite says ‘Baraat At 07:30’, you can be absolutely sure that the procession isn’t going to start before 10 or even 11:00PMish! What this implies is, your orchestra band is going to end up charging extra because of the extra time they spend than you hired them for, your ‘conveyor‘ of cars, buses whatever is also going to be serving you a little longer , which also, is probably on rent and I have personally witnessed a situation where the actual wedding ritual had to be shifted to the house of the bride, in her courtyard, because the baraat was so exceptionally late, that it clashed with another function scheduled to happen in the same banquet! AVOID!

Try To Host As Many Gatherings At Home As Possible!

Arguably, most Indian families still stick to this rule. But in larger cities, this seems to be a dwindling trend. Bring it back! Especially if you have a spacious house/apartment or the society you dwell in is OK with residents hosting terrace parties or using the lawn or garden area for this purpose. Trust me, it’s going to turn out much cheaper to pay a few extra bucks to your own Residents Welfare Association rather than splurging on banquets, open lush lawns or hotels.

Have A ‘Halwai’ At Home!

Sweets make an essential part and parcel of any wedding especially here in India. Instead of purchasing expensive sweets by the kilo and spending on the scale of many thousands, make use of your courtyard, terrace, an extra room in the house or that of a relative, friend etc to have a local halwai prepare sweets for the wedding on a daily wage basis. Your sweets just got sweeter!

Let’s Talk About Jewels!

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend, books are! Besides they have no resale value.So ditch the heavy real jewelry sets & stick to fashion jewelry which you can procure on rent or even buy without a tsunami in your bank account! If you wish to buy gold with an investment point of view, go for pound coins. You would pay for the gold without the burden of making charges that you end up paying with jewelry.

There are many more creative yet thoughtful & cost effective ways of planning a wedding, you just need to realize that it’s not how grand the wedding looks on the outside that matters but how effectively planned and well executed it really is that would make it memorable for not just you but for those around you too! And remember, a lavish wedding is no guarantee to a successful marriage or a long-lasting relationship, but depth and insight is and if you’re this sorted , organized and sensible on a day when most people lose their mind and end up in debt, you’re partner is sure to admire your thoughtfulness and sensibility!

 

 

It’s A Long Way To The Top If You Wanna’ Rock & Roll!

 

It’s a long way to the top if you wanna Rock&Roll!

 

What the fuck is wrong with you people? I am asking this assuming, some of you might know.

Don’t you have something better to do?

 

How about television? Common, don’t be shy. It is your favorite pastime.

Not today.

Did no one make plans with you? Go to some movie or a little shopping, a little clubbing maybe. No?

That bad. Hmmm.

You can play some games, they are pretty involving. You can listen to those stupid tracks saved in your phone, you call it music. Check your FB, maybe post a selfie on INSTA. These things matter.

Isn’t that right?

You can always color your hair. Try that new shampoo you bought after seeing that commercial. Groom yourself a little. Get those yellow stained teeth cleaned. You not going to look any younger or any better. But try.

You can always sleep. I am an insomniac since the age of 14: The day I first saw a pair of titties. A 40-year-old milf neighbor showed me the doors to heaven. You call it child sex abuse. At my time, it was called fun.  Haven’t had any sleep since that day. But you love sleeping. Don’t you?

If you are hell bent on reading this, I must warn you. Nothing would change. You would read this, appreciate, get enlightened. And then the very next evening, you would go and buy something more entertaining. Who reads books? You do not get laid by reading books. Be honest.

They call me Goat-boy. I am a musician. No, no!

They call me Goat-boy. I am an artist. Oh, shit, no!

My name is Goat-boy. I am a recovering sex addict. Fuck this shit!

Okay, so my name is Goat-boy. I am diagnosed with chronic Insomnia. I am also a recovering sex addict. I play guitar. Shit man!

My name is Jack. I am an artist. Maybe. Maybe not.

But I like calling myself one. I create music, at least try to. I am not too good at what I do but seeing the current logistics, who is? Is Trump a good president?

You only need to be good to do great things: To make money, mediocrity does the trick. Look at you, you make money and good is a very distant expression for you. You are shitty and clumsy but still, you make good money. Don’t you?

I never wanted to be a musician but an interesting mix of life events landed me the trade.

 I won’t admit that it was easy but yes it wasn’t so tough either. My doctor asked me to channelize my sexual energy into something more meaningful than watching porn and wanking. He suggested me to try writing, painting, dancing… I thought a lot. None of these people get laid, a lot.

Writers, they are fucking sex starved delusional.

Painters, they are fucking sex starved crazies.

Dancers, they got no energy left to fuck.

Rock stars, You know the glamour. You would get laid, why won’t you? You are a Rock- star!

So I thought to try my hands on creating some original rock music. Apart from playing music, I also enjoy burning shit.

“Burn It To The Ground”

I was listening to the Radio. Nickelback was playing. Music always pleases me. It makes the voices in my head go away. You should also listen to music. But just wanted to advise you that, “Char bottle Vodka, Kaam uska roz ka” (Four bottles of Rum, Bitch drinks every day…. Please show me how she pukes and shits d pain away.) is not music. These lyrics are not thoughtful. If you listen to this kind of music, I am sure your God would save you. The same God whose idols you purchase for $50 at your nearest place of religious communion – A shopping mall!

I focused on the lyrics.

Well it’s midnight, damn right, we’re wound up too tight
I’ve got a fist full of whiskey, the bottle just bit me
Oh
That shit makes me bat shit crazy
We’ve got no fear, no doubt, all in balls out

We’re going off tonight
To kick out every light
Take anything we want
Drink everything in sight
We’re going till the world stops turning
While we burn it to the ground tonight

Suddenly doctor “UD” came. So, our doctor, an unattractive male in his 40’s, never got married. He got laid the first time when he was 28 years old and got his first job. That too because the nurse had a bad breakup and wanted a rebound. A decent doctor worked for her.

Now, he always had an issue with nervous ticks.

For the STUPID: Nervous ticks, are involuntary muscle movements caused by stress and anxiety.

Doc: Goat-boy, You know why you here?

Me: Yes sir.

Doc: Then you also know that if you do not stop lighting fire to financial institutions, they would send you to a prison. They are only acting patient with you because of your fan following.

Me: No problem. I would light the prison on fire. Lighting fire is my passion. I like it.

Doc: No. It’s a medical condition. You are a delusional and an Arsonist. You need medical attention.

Me: Okay Sir. As you say. But did you ever think why I only burn Financial institutions?

UD: Tell me!

Me: Financial institutions make money. Money is historically an emergent market phenomenon establishing a commodity money, but nearly all contemporary money systems are based on fiat money.[4] Fiat money, like any check or note of debt, is without use value as a physical commodity. It derives its value by being declared by a government to be legal tender; that is, it must be accepted as a form of payment within the boundaries of the country, for “all debts, public and private”. (For the stupid – Money is just a piece of paper and it has no value because it has no great saying or quote written over it. It’s abso-fuckin-lutely of no value.)

UD: Got it. Now make sure you buy your prescription from the shop outside. And also book the next week’s visit by paying $250 advance. Get well soon, Goatboy. We love you! 😊

How To Find Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chashma Funny!

Find fun, when there is none!

Sounds great, doesn’t it? That’s the benefit of optimism! It’s also something I fall back on when I can’t fall asleep & it’s past midnight, my Wi-Fi isn’t working & I must make a choice between loneliness & T.V. So I chose T.V & I’m faced with yet another choice. Television Retail ‘Infomercials’ or some dumb program I wouldn’t admit to watching the next day! So I choose the latter & that’s how I end up in the company of the loud characters of ‘Tarak Mehta Ka Oolta Chashma’!

For starters, I begin with the exercise of translating the title into other languages I know.

‘Tarak Mehta’s upside down Spectacles!’ 

‘Tarak Mehta’s Lunettes à l’envers’

‘Tarak Mehta’s Occhiali da testa’

‘Tarak Mehta’s ਉਲਟਿਆ ਐਨਕਾਂ’

‘Tarak Mehta’s 颠倒的眼镜’

Exotic! And funny because I am so disinterested in the show, that I’d rather make a translation game out of it’s title than watch it! But I’m set to give it a try so…

Mission Impossible begins. The comic cues a.k.a loud sounds of laughing audiences in the  ‘sitcom’ help me identify the laughter joints where I am supposed to crack up. It’s all similar to the 5 am laughter club with their’ infectious laughter I get to hear in the park behind my apartment. But at the comic junctions of my television it’s seamless and involves less effort than those oldies in the park, I can vouch for that. You just need to practice once or twice and, believe me, it just flows…But you need to be consistent in watching…medicines also cure when taken regularly, remember the golden rule?

Have you ever been able to notice how loud the costumes , gestures and expressions are? Unbelievable! With their kind of get up, do they even need to act loud? Naah! They sometimes do try though!

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I am also always bowled over by the unique dialogues they deliver…mind blowing! I usually go “Never heard of that before” every 5 seconds of that show! That’s funny in itself. Makes you laugh. If not, try damn you! That’s what such dialogues are crafted for, we ought to respect that at the very least!

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By now, Daya Bhabhi has probably retained that wide mouthed, stretched out, ogle eye expression for life! For this alone she deserves a salute.

If nothing else, just the sheer lameness of it all ought to make you laugh! I mean look at them! It’s so bad that it’s good! Get it?

You don’t? Oh! you’re just, just, heartless that’s all! Huh!

Indian Daily Soaps : Then & Now

It is a painful subject. But what needs to be addressed, needs to be addressed. This is the more awkward version of the dreaded ‘birds & bees’ talk that parents, up until a generation ago, had to have with their off spring. I mean, what can be more embarrassing than having to sit down with your 10 yr old & try & explain to him or her where babies come from. Right? Um, wrong. I would have ‘the talk’ with my child any day than having to explain to him what the hell is happening in the serial his family watches.

But there was a time when Indian television was far more evolved & the industry did churn out some of the most thought – provoking, sensitive & even controversial serials of the time. So, without further ado, allow me to share a list I prepared of some of the most popular television shows, then & now and what they represent.

  1. Shanti (1994)

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India’a first ever daily soap, with Mandira Bedi playing the lead, Shanti was the story of a young, confident, bold journalist who aspires to unravel the truth behind the friendship and enmity between two strong male characters in the serial & the challenges she faces in the process. Now compare that with…

Sasural Simar Ka – (2011 & Running)

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This is the story of a young girl who starts out as the ‘bahu’ (daughter in law) of a family her father chooses for her to marry into that switches from one bizarre twist to another in a matter of seconds. One episode, she’s a regular ‘bahu’ doing the dishes & minding everyone else’s business, the next, she is a fly on the wall! Some days the family dwelling is full of irate women talking to themselves planning to murder people, the next day it’s literally a house of horrors! Subtle…

2. Rajni – 1985

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This was the story of a middle class , married woman who was aware & very ahead of her times. She was fearless , strong & stood up against injustice when she saw it. The serial addressed many social issues like theft, child abuse, work place harassment etc with sensitivity & gave an important social message in each episode.

Sath Nibhana Sathiya –  2010 & Running

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This is the story of two cousins who get married into a joint family. The orphaned cousin is meek, seldom speaks & is always self-sacrificing while the other is manipulative bitch. The mothers in law, are two in number & play good cop bad cop. Then, the manipulative cousin dies & another one fills her shoes as the ‘badi bahu’ of the ‘khandaan’ . Meanwhile the husband loves the meek wife some days & shuns her on others. In one such mood swing he marries another woman, who is very ‘modern’ & then there’s a time leap. During this period the issues the collective household tackles are grave, such as a rat in the house, a laptop that’s been washed accidentally & a few murders. That’s about it.

3. Hum Log – 1984

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The first ever soap opera to be aired in the Indian sub-continent, Hum Log was the saga of  an Indian middle-class family and their daily struggles and aspirations. It was created on the lines of a Mexican television series, Ven Conmigo (1975), using the education-entertainment methodology.

Yeh Rishta Kya Kehlata Hai – 2009 & Running

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The ongoing story of a girl who becomes a ‘bahu’ then faces some challenges adjusting in the new joint family. A few stern looks here, a few subtle hints there & the episode is generally wound up except for a few  accidents & financial losses. That, & the main leads die. And there’s a time leap. And there’s a daughter. And she’s getting married. And there are stern looks here, subtle hints there. And she misses her mommy who she feels could have helped her cope with the stern looks & the subtle hints. Sob. Sob.

4. Buniyad – 1986

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This iconic television series was based on the story of a patriot & freedom fighter, Haveli Ram, & his family and their ordeal during the partition of India & Pakistan in 1947.

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Diya Aur Bati Hum – 2011 & Running

Again, the story of a young ‘bahu’ in a joint family with a stern mother in law & a loving husband. The daughter in law is faced with the choice of having a baby because the MIL wants it or become a policewoman because she wants it. Of course she ends up doing both & tackling terrorists with a nuclear bomb who threaten to diffuse it in the presence of her MIL, who she saves , who then starts to love her & realize the importance of police service all at the same time. While all this is happening, the children are ready to be married & somehow the policewoman bahu mistakes a city in Pakistan to be a city in India & ends up selecting a ‘bahu’ for her son from the ‘enemy’ country! Oops! & Gasp! What follows is MS Power point effects of orgasmic proportions. And then they die. And there’s a time leap.

5. Surabhi – 1993

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‘Surabhi’ was a popular Indian cultural show that showcased the activities and life of women and families in an enterprising society. It dealt with their success and achievements.

Splitsvilla – 2008 & Running

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A popular ‘reality’ show, where you see men & women competing to retain fellow contestants as ‘dates’ & use profanity, manipulation & overt sexuality to do so. The show usually starts with an ‘audition’ round where contestants appear to make statements like ” I want to become something”, or ” I want to prove my critics wrong” & then end up proving quite the opposite. Especially disappointing are the women, who make claims like “I was abused & all my life I have wanted to teach my abuser to respect girls & I want to show him women are not just sexual objects” & then go on to objectify themselves.

The thing is, I can go on & on, but I think I have made my point. But I can’t rest my case till I make everyone realize that this garbage being fed to our families each day exists only because we let it.

There’s no supply without a demand for something. Cut the demand. Stop watching this nonsense. Low television rating points make production houses nervous. They would have to start respecting audiences & come up with better content only if we start respecting ourselves first.

‘Fuck Television. At least the kind you watch’

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